memoirs of an insane person

If there a way to infiltrate you, sway your mind and complicate you, im going to crash into your world and thats no lie!

2010-10-14T11:12:00.002-05:00

Its in my head. I'm feeling a little frusterated this morning. I just dont understand how people can be so duplicitious. On the one hand, I have guy who flat out tells me that "we're better off being only friends" yeah, we all know who this is...and then wants me to be fodder so he can get his rocks off..sorry ..no..I have my pride. And it wont keep me warm at night, but you know what? I deserve better. I know I do. And I know who and what I am. Theres nothing manly about a double standard, its just out and out bullshit. Which I'm getting too old and tired for. No matter that he's adorable and I'll always have a soft spot for him.

And then the other. You know you can't use the context friend with benefits if you're not active on the friendship part. I don't think. I really don't that there are any rules to that, and I'm ok I think with just getting my kicks every so often but I do demand a certain level of respect. Or at least consideration.

So..now onto the song for the mood today..

"I have a dream to take you over, exploding like a super nova, gonna crash into your world and thats no lie"

You know some days I would just love, LOVE, to have this person come. Somedays I need to be violated, dominated and just totally owned. And maybe thats the biggest issue i'm facing. if I'm going to completely and totally belong to someone shouldnt they want to completely and totally own me too? Thats my problem. I want someone who wants me just as much as I want them. I can give 150% to a relationship. sometimes I'm sure its more. I can, I have and I do. Because I can't do half way. I can't. I just simply don't know how. But in todays world theres just no equality in relationships anymore. Everyone is too busy looking out for #1, and me I dont know how. I'm a people pleaser. I like to make people happy. Infact, I'm happiest when I'm doing something for someone I care about, but at some point there has to be a return. So I'm not completely altruistic, but it isnt right that my thoughts/feelings/needs go overlooked while I'm bending over backwards to satisfy the people I care about, and if they care about me too, then they should care about my happiness as well. And the worst part is, its silly. It really is, because you know what? I'm not that complicated to please. I like affection. I like to cuddle/hold hands and do mushy sappy things. I like to talk and occassionally all I really need is someone who understands or is at least willing to listen.

And theres my next ranty rant. I've been really, I don't know moody lately? And I have a billion and one things flying around in my head each day, sometimes more, no joke. And lately, I just dont feel like I have anyone to talk to. Or anyone that really listens. So it bounces around and just depresses me. I bottle it, lock it up and it becomes internal and most often self depreciating.

Dad and I had a discussion the other day, about life and how I'm no where closer to where I want to be than when I started. Turning 30 next month and I'm still living at home, working what I feel is a dead end job and barely making ends meet. And its frusterating. I don't want anything big, what I want is independance and watching everyone else succeed where I fail is disheartening. It eats at me. Because I work hard, I don't slack, and I feel like it gets me nowhere. I just can't help but wonder where the pay off is.

In the meantime, theres my whine for today.

Random

2010-10-13T10:16:00.002-05:00

So, I've fallen into the trap again. My subbie princess is rearing her ugly little head and I have that itch. The one that wants to be told what to do, that aims to please, and the itch to be hurt I think is really only to exercise some demons of mine. I've been craving it really badly. Which brings me to dave.

Dave is pretty cool, I have to say it. He makes me laugh. Hes into all the things I'm into. And some new ones and so, I don't know. I have opportunity to try him out, but I'm scared. Theres a huge bond that can develope between a submissive and her dominant/slave and her master. For me specifically, the intimacy and vulnerability tend to tie really tightly to eachother. I want it. I can't deny that I don't but I don't know that I'm ready or willing to tie myself to someone that intensely...i just don't know

Its more than that too..Dave is odd. He makes me laugh yes..but hes admitted he doesnt see how a relationship with me could work given the distance..and yet hes mentioned once or twice about taking me on as his submissive..because he knows I'll do it maybe? his exact words were "what an intensely intimate way to get to know you"..which brings me back to the bond..

At this point neither have settled and we're both still looking..I think sometimes I could fall for him if I let myself, and then I ignore it and remind myself about the three hour distance btwn us, our kids and conflicting responsibilities..So I don't know..again I'm distancing myself..

But it does make me rethink Travas and I. I mentioned it to Dave the last time we actually talked (2 nights ago) about how I think I scared him. I think my bendy moldy willing side sent him running and maybe my sex drive intimidated him, maybe he was worried with as high geared as it can be that I'd run to someone else when he was out of town. Guys don't get it..

So onto last night. Amazing. Fucking beautiful is what it was, and what was it? A post reflecting exactly how I feel at heart about my submission by a Master in TX. WOW. It was more about how he viewed a slave/heart of the slave and everything within and that is in a nutshell me. He speaks of a true slave as someone who belongs to another person more so than being owned by another.

Ownership is grand but in all my relationships, failed as they may have been, I have belonged to each of my partners which is why there is such a huge gap between my relationships. You cannot just give yourself to the wrong person heart and soul and bounce back. It requires time and healing. And in essense that is what I've been doing. Giving myself to the wrong people because quite honestly I don't know how not to. I may or may not dive further into this is the next series of entries. I do know that I need to write more. There are thoughts bouncing around in my head, makes it hard to think clear. And make the wise choice.

Ups and downs of being me..

2010-10-03T11:32:00.002-06:00

So to keep a long story short, I'm going to skip the what ifs and question marks regarding travas. We'll just say, of all the guys I dated, hes probably one of the better ones and of course, gone right through my fingers.

todays thoughts are a little more..darker..mind numbing and just bleh..

I think he's moved on. See this is me being happy for him ...haha..right..I am I just..I had hopes..and I guess thats all they are are hopes..Which sort of makes me ask "why do I bother anymore"

Dave - a new friend of mine, if he'll ever be more I've got no idea -got into the topic of marriage yesterday and I pretty much admitted to him something I've had bouncing around in my head the last week. Do I want married. Yes, sometime down the road hopefully, do I see it happening? No. Thats my life.

It just seems theres been at least 3 times I've seen that with clarity for me, and each and every one failed in their attempts somehow. Nic cheated, Jason forgot about me and now travas moved on. Scary to admit I could have seen that with him, but I did. And now? I don't see it at all. Back to quare one where again, I can see anything beyond today.

Relationships. Blah. I'm beginning to think my friend janine was right and I should just forget the entire concept all together. I seem to only find myself with the ones who play at wanting one and then when it comes to actual work they run. It leaves me feeling sort of used. I'd like for once to be the user I think. To just get what I want and leave.

My past has me in a state of mind to try the friend with benefits path. I don't know that I can since my sex drive n heart seem to intertwine and connect. I don't even know that I could get any fulfillment even from that part.

Which leaves exactly where? No idea. I'll let you know when I have it sorted though. Sometimes, I just really wish to not be me. To be someone else. Someone who doesn't care so much. Doesnt hurt so easily. And just looks out for me.

updates..much needed updates..

2010-09-27T09:01:00.003-06:00

So its been too long since I've written in here and its time to start again. I need somewhere to release all this ..whatever it is..thats been dragging me down. And I mean really down. Its like the post Nic roller coaster all the time. Who needs an amusement park when my emotions provide all the ups and downs they do right?

So quick recap:
Shane: Nice guy. Great guy. Not it. There was a lot of maturity lacking there. Too clingy. Too needy. Didnt work. I think all in all it was just way too soon. Too much too fast.

Travas: omfg. This is where my roller coaster comes in. And there will be more as I get to writing in here. Sweetest guy I've met in years. Havent felt like this since Jason. For any of you who know the history its just.Wow. Well over six years since I've cared this much for someone. But he's got baggage he's dealing with. And because he's the male version of me he doesnt want to burden me or hurt me by it. So we're done. A decision I wish I could back and redo. Theres alot of what-ifs and questions on this one.

Travas is a single parent. Recently separated who had to deal with similar issues regarding his relationship that I endured with Nic. But without all the cheating. Without all the lies. Really he and his wife were just really ill matched. Incredibly so.

So a year later he meets me. And lets face it, we all know what I'm like. Too nice for my own good. Wanting to take on the world for those I love. Big white knight complex right? Thats me. And we click. We click because I have a good idea of what he's going through. Not that the situations were the same but lets face it, when the first real love of your life lets you down it hurts. And he's a bleeding heart like me. Takes everything way to personally.

So we fall, or rather I do - not intentionally I swear after shane I did not want to get attatched - and he starts to, panics, then runs. Nice!

So this is where the what-ifs and roller coasters come in. For the sake of complete honesty here, I think I could have salvaged this. But I was too lost in my own chaos to acknowledge that he was reaching out and my brilliant response "do you need some space" . Brilliant right? Good job Pamela! I havent hated myself so much for that comment as I have in a long time. Could have should have would have. I hate all three.

So now we're 'friends'. But this friend is having issues. Alot in the last month. And there will be more on that too in my next entry because I feel honestly, that there will tons more because as I said I need somewhere to put all this, to let it out, and get it out of my head. Because honestly, the clammoring of all those little voices, is making it hard to think straight.

ciao

-insert witty, intellegent, and fitting title here-

2007-07-19T08:46:00.000-06:00

Its been too long since I've written in this dumb thing. -lol- But I've been busy and just not had anything important to write. Mostly working myself into an early grave pretty much, but oh well, money is money and everylittle bit helps.

Every now and then I find myself thinkin of Nic again and while its not exactly unwelcome its strange. When he was still around it was easier to let things slide and just move on with my life, and now that hes gone I think about him and even miss him more than I did while he was alive.

I still find it hard to talk about it. I hardly do actually because its simpler not to. And it goes with everything else I believe about Death. Theres nothing you can do to change it, you cry, rage and shut yourself away for ever but there isnt anything you can do to bring them back - no matter how much you want to.

I keep finding myself remembering all the good times we had and laughs we shared. I really miss those sometimes. And I look at ryan and it kind of tears up me inside, all over again, about how he has to go through his life without knowing the side of his dad that we all did.

Anyway, I'ma switch topic here before I work myself into another glum state of mind.

Work is going well..sorta..I kinna botched up a shipment we received last week..but he came in with the stuff while we were busy and had already started unloading so I was trying to check off what he was bringing and what he had already brought in at the same time..last night sucked..I thought I'd never get out of there. 12-10 is such a long ass shift it just drags..makes me wanna cry almost lol..

On the upside I managed to relieve myself of a tantrum throwing 40 y.o - Go Me!! And the restaurant is a bettah place without him. Now all I needa do is kick some little'un butts into gear. I'm so tired of hearing about really, "we do more work than they do...I do more work than they do" - how bout we stop the whining and just get the job done? I mean really!!

Ryan's turning 4 in two weeks and then he goes to school in sept. Man that depresses me. He's getting so big so fast, and I get to miss it all because I'll be working my tush off so he and I can live decently. Well not comfortably but the bills will be paid, food will be provided and he'll have clothes on his back heh. I keep looking at his pictures from when he was smaller and it makes me weepy almost. I miss having my ten lb baby to lug around and cuddle up on. I mean hes still just as affectionate but only on his time. How sweet is that? And I know when school comes and he starts building himself a social circle it'll all change. I guess now I know how my dad feels knowing that his kids don't need him as much as they used to. Bah being a parent sucks sometimes. I don't wan't him to grow up.

He acts alot like Nic too sometimes. Which is nice to see but there are some traits I think he could do without. Hes got a fast temper and is easily frusterated, and angry boy is he angry. I've been trying to help him curb that though, so that hes not so emotional. I'm trying to teach him to think before he acts. And to use his words to express his feelings instead of throwing things and hitting things. I guess that inspite of his intelligence I just have to remind myself that he is only three, but I'd like him to get a control on that before school. He has a bad habit of hitting and all those other nasty things little ones like to do when they're upset. And I don't want him being sent home for it.

Anyway, as you can see its pretty random heh. I've only been awake for an hour and half and I still have a 10 hr day ahead of me. Catch ya'll on the flip side.

Ciao
-J

I dont want to go to work today mom

2007-05-18T06:49:00.000-06:00

So week of closing and I'm thoroughly wiped out. Last night was crazy insane. As soon as our extras left it was stupid. Busy busy until 9pm giving me and the students working with me an hour to get everything done and I only wish I could say it was interruption free.

I got home pretty late last night because my cook forgot to close our roof hatch - its a ventalation system we put into use during the summer, we open what would look like an attic door from the ceiling and put a removable screen up. Anyway, its really badly arranged because the ladder leans one way and the crank to close it is on the opposite side - and for all of those who are scared of heights -coughs- reaching across a ladder is not a good thing..Anyway I needed to call the manager in to close it but then our night time cleaner came in and closed it for me..but it was almost 11:30 by the time i got in and then near 12 when I got to bed and I was woken up this morning at 7am.

I had a really good dream last night too. Not the usual kind where theres all these wierd symbolic things like wizards etc..but just a simple really good dream ..involving someone I know..and I really did not want to wake up from it..bah humbug!

Ah well, 2 more days and then I have a day to chill and after that 8 more days of work and then VACATION!!!!! YAY!!

I think thats all my senseless rambling for today.

Ciao
-J

My life is a cartoon

2007-05-15T11:20:00.000-06:00

and my dreams are the stuff books are made of..

Well sort of..I watched this cartoon - japanese anime style- with my dad and ryan the other night. And its kinna skeery how the theme or more specifically one character in the cartoon resembles moi.

The cartoon was "Howls Moving Castle" and I of course would have to be the young 18 year old Sophie. Except that I'm not 18. With the acception that I am neither 18 nor all that young. LOL.

Anyway, the character is young female whose accepted the fact that shes not going to find herself happily married and devotes herself to job when she meets howl. Now accept for the fact that I will probably not ever find myself swept off my feet by dashing young wizard of questionable repution .. Thats pretty much me in a nutshell, well accept that her excuse is her age - which I find funny because seriously, 18? bah try being 26! No, instead its my lack of a social life which is at fault here. Somewhere between working as much as I do and having to devote my free time to my son Ryan, I don't have time for romance.

Its just strange finding such...erm..how to put it..familiarity in a cartoon..I don't know its like reading a true life story that finds some form kinship or truth in your own life or something..I forget the phrase that was used to describe it..

Its also confirmed for me the fact that maybe Dad's right and I should write books. Seriously. I think what did it is it bears a striking resemblance to a dream i had no too long ago, i believe i posted it here and it was a little strange.

The reason I say my dad thinks I should write books is because I keep having these really exceptionally strange dreams that would make a great plot for horror novel etc. I had one years back about a little boy in a hospice of some sort who was deathly ill and since he'd been in the hospice all his life he developed an imaginary freind. Unfortunately because of his lack of social interraction and inability to enjoy his youth he became bitter and as he did the imaginary friend developed a life of his own and started feeding off the boys anger and started killing off any other children who came around..thats exhibit A..now tell me does that not have Stephen King written all over it..

The dream I had happened to mention to him was one of my sister Tammy being pregnant but the baby had some form of health problem or something and the community she lived in had this twisted notion of spartanism where any child with defect was killed because they wanted to raise the children to take care of them and obviously a child who has any form of mental disability would not be able to do that..

There are other stranger ones I've had and to some extent I agree. I could write books off these accept my limitted ability to remember anything other than a basic description of these dreams and my inability to write anything resembling a decent subplot would interfere..

And now I have a dream and weeks later watch a cartoon which is almost identical to it, when I've never seen it before..

Strange..And yes for those of you asking.. I probably should up my medication..

-ciao
J

i'm not crazy

2007-05-01T11:30:00.001-06:00

i'm just a little unwell..or at least thats what i prefer to believe anyway

blah...i really don't want to work today...i want to sleep and go back to my dreamings of two nights ago..i tried to dream it again last night but it didn't work and everything was fubar...

you ever have the kind of dreams which evoke a sense of familiarity? I do. Or at least the more vivid ones do. And it sits in my subconcious all day long.

I had this one two nights ago where I was with the guy, and there was sort of fantasy type deal to it. I don't know how else to describe it. There we were though, he and I, himself being some form of magician/wizard/ whatever and the others being reincarnated elements in the guise of humans. He was going to cast this spell or whatever and draw out their elemental forces/deities/souls ..again..I don't know how to describe it and I was clinging to him begging him not to because I just -knew- he was going to be hurt. And thats the image I'm left with in my head for two days. Him and I just standing there with our arms wrapped around eachother. And the sense of belonging it creates in me. And I crave it and at the same time I hate it because, well, it reminds me of how hideously single I am - although its mostly by choice or rather the lack there of- and how I miss that companionship.

I remember that feeling all too well..and well..if you know me..you know from when and with whom and we wont discuss that because well, lets just say it'll worsen my already blah state of mind..

Last night I was restless because in my need to recreate the other dream I ended up jumbling images in my head and well, none of them made sense. But I'm sitting here two days later with that same feeling today. Oh well, life goes on.

In essense today finds me irritable, tired, lethargic and depressed. Yet I'm suppose to go to work, manage a bunch of teenages I'd rather hang most of the time and try to muddle through the night.

Did I mention I don't have any time off this week? Nice eh?

So this is the whine for the day, I'm hoping by the time bed time comes I'll be so worn out that I wont dream, or if I do I wont remember it. It's the ones I remember that make me crazy, the ones I leave behind with the night at sunrise well, they become what they should be..just a figment of my overactive imagination..

Ciao
-J

sometimes i really dislike people..

2007-04-20T08:32:00.000-06:00

Okay so the word dislike might be a little weak for my frusterations with this one person, but ah well...you get the point..

Theres this fellow i work with who absolutey drives me insane! He treats everybody like hes better than them, he can't do anything wrong and hes usually the first person to point out when someone elses wrong but if that finger lands in his direction ohmyfuckinggod..it can't be!!

Hes condescending. He always criticizes me in my management of the restaurant when I close and because he doesn't show respect a few others decide not to either, because hes been there longer. WHOTHEFUCKCARES!! If he had wanted the job he could have taken it, but he chose not to so don't tell me how to do it. I do the best I can. I don't fight with the kids because it drains my energy when they're doing something wrong I tell them and make sure they know to do it right the next time. 'Nuff said. I'm not going to have a mind blowing arguement with a teenager sorry. I'm not a parent.

What really chafes though is hes a rat. Hes the biggest rat there is and hes always telling the daytime manager what I'm doing wrong so that when I come in I get told I'm doing it wrong etc etc..Yanno if I let the kids do some of thier closing chores a little earlier whoopie do. Seriously, as long as it gets done and it isn't disrupting the flow of things bugger off. I pick my battles. And the big ones that could land me without a job or the get the owner in trouble, I fight but I'm not going to nitpick. See above. I refuse to argue with a teenager, just as I'd refuse to argue with a child. The major things in the bigger picture get done.

And then I get told I'm going to hell by another guy. Oh that made me laugh. Apparently I'm going to hell because "God and Ala are at war overseas and God is losing" -rme- Where to begin, ah yes how about the fact that isn't Gods war, and it sure as hell aint Ala's. I'm sorry if fifty some soldiers or one overbearing head of government decides to pick a fight with another, just because one is "christian" - and I use this term loosely - and one is Muslin or whatever they call it, doesnt it make it a war proclaimed by either god. Its stupid men fighting over stupid soil. No religion involved accept for the fact that in all honesty, they claim they're believers in their faith. If I pick a fight with a JW - its me and that person, I don't drag my God into it. God didn't pick the fight. We did. Case closed. Nothing more to see here.

Secondly, I was told that I've ruined the lives of the children I taught the bible to some few years ago. Whelp. Thats a sorry ass point of view if ever there was one. Point in fact. People need faith. Who was it that said religion is the opiate of the masses? Well, all personal beliefs aside this is true. People need to believe in something. So you don't believe in god, you believe that the earth and all its inhabitants are the direct result of years of evolution - Then you believe in science. If you're athiest you believe in nothing, but you're still believing in something. If you're agnostic you can't make up your mind. I'd rather teach these kids to put their faith in a god of morals and justice than have them grow up and place their faith in 90% of the crap that's going on these days. The world is a scary ass place and you need a security blanket.

Point B - I said this once to a friend of mine and I'll say it again. I believe in God. I don't label my faith as being Christian or what not. I believe in Jesus. I believe in the teachings of the bible. I've placed my faith in it and yanno, its been tried tested and true - for myself. Besides wheres the harm? I learn to treat others as I want to be treated, I learn to love and forgive and not hold grudges. I learn that violence against another person is wrong. I learn to be happy with what I have and not long for something that is not mine. I learn contentment and hope. If I die tomorrow and there is no heaven and hell, I've lost nothing. But if there is, and I chose not to believe, then that leaves me with nothing.

All the good things on this earth cant follow you to the grave and when I die I want to be remembered as a good person, because its your memories you leave here that will last and the bible teaches us life lessons, good lessons and enriches our lives and makes us better people. And in all seriousness, I know I'm not perfect I don't always follow these things to a 'T' but I try. Its better than shrugging it off and pretending none of it exists.

Point C - its faith. Faith is the essense of belief in things not yet seen. If I knew there was a god, could prove it and believed then it wouldn't be faith. It takes strength of character to believe in something with your heart when you can't see it. No one can prove there is not God. And though I chose to believe there is thats me I can't force you into it so don't try and force me out of it. In my head and my heart it makes sense. And in the end if I'm wrong then I die and I don't know the difference. No harm done.

Thats my rant.

I think initially there was something else I wanted to say, but I can't remember it.

I think I need to raise my medication..

2007-03-24T12:14:00.000-06:00

Last night was hell at work. It wasn't horrible in the sense of chaotic, but rather in the sense that there just didnt seem to be enough time to get anything done. I was there until 10:50 pm and not in bed until around 12:30 and up 7 hrs later. I know 7 hours is alot more than most get but when theres a three year old shoving you out of your bed at 4am and on its not pleasant.

Not only that but I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt I was here at home and we got invaded by some backwards russian/german country. Its the only way I can think of to describe them. But they brought us all captive to this damn near third world empoverished country where everything we ate and bought and to be monitored and shared out equally. Can we say communist? Anyway Ryan was starving and I was screaming at them because he wasn't getting his nourishment and everything they wouldnt let me see him, they just let him cry and it was breaking my heart.

-Until-

done done done. This guy, hell I don't even remember his face, but I knew him in the dream and we were close came over, took Ryan and I back here to Canada and even changed our identities and everything so we couldnt be hunted down and brought back to that other country.

Romance ensued.

Cheezey huh. What bothers me the most is not so much the theme but the remembrance of having my son cry for me and not being able to help him and that intimate feeling I experienced with the nameless faceless hero. You know how you just -click- and everything just feels right? T'is odd. But then again, so am I heh.

==========
And now a song thats been runnin through my head, that I've been roughly trying to put together with little luck..
==========

I've been trying to tell you something,
Can you hear me?
If you'd listen you'd see
exactly what I'm saying.

Without words I tell you every day
Just what you mean to me,
In all the little things I,
In about a million ways.
And if you could just hear me out
I know that you'd see
the one that you've been searching for
is here.
It's me.

I know you're feeling soul weary
and your tired has grown tired
of playing all these foolish games
that love plays with the heart,
Baby, I can be a place of rest,
Be anything you need.
I've been here all along,
I just wish that you could see.

Without words I tell you every day
Just what you mean to me,
In all the little things I do,
In about a million ways.
And if you could just hear me out
I know that you'd see
the one that you've been searching for
is here.
It's me.

Without words I tell you every day
Just what you mean to me,
In all the little things I,
In about a million ways.
And if you could just hear me out
I know that you'd see
the one that you've been searching for
is here.
It's me.

========

Bah so its not exactly how I wanted, actually it was a lot better a few days ago really when it was fresh in my mind but I do like the wording of the first verse bettah

Randomness

2007-03-22T07:28:00.000-06:00

Well, I went to bed last night and Ryan stayed at my sisters. I think I almost cried. Sad isn't it? I mean seriously, I should have been relieved. And I did sleep well. But I think I get a little paranoid when hes not home and I miss him too much. It started in september when we were planning our visit I had fears of his dad taking him from me. And I guess I've never really shaken the fear that I'd lose him somehow. I pray everytime we travel for a safe flight. And Deep down its because I know that Ryan is the center of my world, he gives my life meaning, gives me something to live for and keeps me centered. And I know I'd fall apart were it not for him. So its scary sometimes. I love my little boy.

I had this running through my head yesterday, its a remake of an oldie but it fits how I feel lately and I have always loved this song, later if I can piece it together right I may post something I wrote myself. But for now, this is all ya get.
--------------------------

Genre/Lang. : R'n'B
Tony Sunshine:

Yea Yo Tony Sunshine Lumidee

Lumidee:
Listen baby I’ve been around
I know that you like how I wear my crown
I know that I'm sumthing' that's so profound
So far what I'm hearin' look I like the sound
Everybody's talkin' about it
We could be talkin' why would u doubt it
Ya palms are sweaty and ya heart starts poundin'
This is what yuh feelin' Tell meh about it !

Tony Sunshine: She's like the wind Thru my trees (baby yea. baby yea)
She rides at night Next to me Like u won’t believe (No)
She leads me thru moonlight Only to burn me wit the sun
Damn it I believe she knows She's takin' my heart
She doesn’t know what she's done
Baby please I feel her breath in my face (baby I can feel)
Her body close to me (her body close to me)
Can’t look in her eyes (can’t look in your eyes)
She's outta my league (she's outta my league, oh)
Just a fool to believe
She got everything I need She's like the wind

Lumidee:

If u can't conceive with nothing
Cause u just let it be its nothing
Look we just hangin' around
Sneakin' a look
When I can just put you down

Tony Sunshine: Girl I look in the mirror (what u see what u see)
And all I see (tell me what u see girl, tell u I can feel this baby)
Is a hell of a man with only a dream (ooo oh oh)
Am I just foolin' myself (yea)
Thinkin' she'll stop the pain (yes she will yes she will)
Livin' without her I'd go insane
Damn it I believe she knows
I Feel her breath on my face (baby I can feel)
Her body close to me (her body close, yes I do)
Can't look in her eyes (can't look in her eyes)
She's outta of my league (she's outta my league, oh)
Just a fool to believe She got everything I need
She's like the wind

Lumidee:
Look I’m right hea Come on toughen up
Boo get it togetha and just try ya luck
Eva since I heard that u got this little crush
I Pass ya way and it's givin' me a rush
So I peeped ya style Yes I’m impressed
Always wit the best Put dem otha dudes to rest
So u ain't got to stress cuz I got what ya need
I could ease ya pain and fulfill all ya dreams

Tony: Just a fool to believe She got everything I need (take dat)
I feel her breath in my face
Her body close to me (clap yo hands)
Can’t look in her eyes, no (yea)
She’s outta my league (move)
Just a fool to believe (Move)
She got everything I need
She’s like the wind

Lumidee: (Repeat 2x)
If u can't conceive with nothing
Cause u just let it be it's nothing
Look we just hangin' around
Sneakin' a look
When I can just put you down

Tony: Move Tony Sunshine Yea Take dat She’s like the wind

New layout

2007-03-21T08:29:00.000-06:00

Well, here we go with a whole new layout. W00t. Its a little darker than I usually go but I have to admit the artist was inspired. I just wish I could say that artist is me. Sorry for Inconvenience for those readers of mine. The few that there be. Click on the x's to navigate.

I'll catch ya on the flip side.

Ciao.
-J

Weekend Binges, Hang overs and other Random thoughts

2007-03-20T08:50:00.000-06:00

So this weekend I went out and tied on a good one. Or rather as it ended up a bad one. I never want to be that sick again. I forgot how nasty rye was coming back up. I came in at 1am and I think was up until 1:30 am getting sick and balling my eyes out in the bathroom - sad. Very very sad.

But I think I've been bottling alot since the last year. I mean I tried to vent it hear but when I look back on it it just barely touches anything and I still have a hard time discussing it. If you don't know what 'it' is, then you havent been reading this enough heh.

So yeah, alot tired. And more than a little embarrassed.

Last night at work was sweet. Inspite of my discontent at the weathers need to thwart my happiness. Why is that every time I say "hey look the snow melting/completely gone/yay sunshine" it immediately becomes over cast and starts snowing? Dammit where is my sunshine!! Anyway, I managed to be out at 9:40 last night instead of my usual nearish 10pm and was completely happy to be home before 10:30.

The South beach thing and I are not working out very well, so umm... Yesh I guess its just me not eating fatty stuff. I cut potatoes out of my diet. I rarely eat pasta and I stick to whole/multigrain breads. I need more exercise though but the weather keeps on thwarting me!! -shakes fist- Happily I've managed to lose 5 lbs though WHEE!! I just need to stay away from my temptations at work.

And I think thats pretty much it.

Ciao.
-J

Random

2007-03-13T06:58:00.000-06:00

I know I havent posted in a few days. I'm trying to get in some extra time with Ryan. My new work schedule is making him clingy, whiney and just all out aggravative so i've spent the last few days playing nintendo with him when I'm not working.

Work has been going well. No troubles with the tills. Just my usual every day battle with the milkshake machine which I have come to loathe. Its just too much work. And a major pain in the ass.

========================

At my door the leaves are falling
A cold wild wind has come
Sweethearts walk by together
And I still miss someone

========================

You know its amazing how some things can hit you out of the blue. I mean its been 5 months now, and I still find myself being stuck sometimes with this I dunno, emptiness where he used to be. Its depressing. And I know its natural. I just don't like this lack of control over my feelings etc. I don't.

I was playing nintendo last night. Zelda actually, trying to beat a castle for Ryan when out of the blue he just popped into my head. And since then hes been on and off my mind all night. Hell I was even dreaming about him last night which I still do every now and then, just not as often. I guess as result I just really miss him today. Which is funny, because it isn't like we ended off on a happy note or anything. There was alot of #@!%ed up bs. But there it is. I miss him. And I still feel as though there is something missing at times. Other times I'm just much too busy to think of it. Funnier is that the fact that none of my dreams of him are of the bad times. They're of closeness and intimacy we once shared. And I think I miss that the most. Ah well. Life goes on. Or so it would seem.

I think thats enough of my whining for one morning.

Ciao
-J

someone have a cure for blondes disease?

2007-03-03T18:51:00.000-05:00

I wrote down 20x24=280. So yeah thats why my till was out. Do I feel stupid? Yes I do.

for whom doth the bell toll?

2007-03-03T08:52:00.000-05:00

Last night was bad. On a scale of 1 to 10 it was a 12 at the very least.

I started out with a good vibe last night. I counted my first till and it wasn't even missing a penny. I counted the second one and it was missing about 2000 pennies. or rather 200 dollars. Which freaked me out.

When I close the register at night, I do a report off the cash which gives a tally for the sales. Then I take it to the back for counting. So when I fill out my till sheet I should have 2 hundred over what the sales slip says because we start with a 200 dollar float. SO I count everything out and then I look to see what our net sales for the evening on that register were. They were 700 and some odd dollars so when I'm done counting up debit slips, cash and coin I should have somewhere a little over 900. Then I subtract the two hundred what I have left should be the equivalent to our net sales. Unfortunately, last night this was not the case. Net sales=765$, total cash (debit receipts, coin and all bills included)=764 and some odd cents. So this leaves me with the question of - where is my float? If I take the float from my subtotal I'm left 200 short for my deposit. If you take the full deposit you have an empty register drawer.

That was the major thing.

The other thing was the shake machine. Its new and a pain in the ass to clean. A very big pain in the ass to clean. If the machine is too low on milkshake mix you can't empty at night because it wont pour out the mix. It shuts off. But yet I have to keep this low this time of year of because we really dont sell that much of it. Ugh . Lets just say - Annoying.

So anyway I counted up my drive thru register and its almost flawless. It was the last till for the night and only short by like 55 cents. So I'm left to figure out what happened to my float for the first one again. Needless to say I didnt. Simply because I couldnt. I left everything as is for doug who is going to come in and fix it up in the am.

In the meantime, I feel super inadequate again. And it depresses me. I just hope the boss doesnt feel that way, because I really can do this job. And better than that I really like it too.

-hangs head-

I think thats all for the day.

-Ciao

swimmingly

2007-03-02T08:53:00.000-05:00

Yay for no battles with the evil register monster. I forgot to void one item last night but they still balanced out pretty nicely.

Its snowing. Again. -crosses fingers- maybe if it slows the business down Doug will let me close early.

Yay for two days off after today. I so need sleep.

That is all.

another day another dollah

2007-02-28T09:18:00.000-05:00

Tired. Tired is me. Why do kids insist on waking before the normal humane hours? I know 6:30 isn't too bad, I shouldn't complain cuz it could always be worse -knocks on wood- but still ..ugh..

Work is going smoothly, or rather last night did anyway. No annoying disciplinary problems. A small snag with the tills but nothing major. I just wish the kids would clean up their shyte when they're done.

I dunno who it was that felt the need to be an idiot on my cbox, but y0 step up and be a man at least! Or women. Either way if you dont have anything nice to say, don't say it. I didn't hold a gun to your head and say 'read my blog', no one is making you read so if you don't want to read, its very very simple DONT. If i'm truly as 'gay' as you so eagerly pointed out, then step off and go harasse someone else.

Fuck everyones gotta be an asshole.

Ciao.
-J

long lengthy update - completely random

2007-02-26T16:22:00.000-05:00

So anyway, i think its time I posted again.

Work has been doing well. I think Ken finally figured out that i mean business. Hes not as prone to disobience or just plain ingnorance as he usually is. This is good. Todays my day off, after 7 days straight of working, man I am tired!! thankfully I have four more days and then I can breathe for another two!!

I'm crossing my fingers and hoping I finally have the till counting down. They seem to be balancing out and at least when they dont I don't spaz so much now - this is good.

I have alot on my mind lately it seems. And while work is an adequate distraction I can't help but think of them at other times. Cheesy and vague. heh. No point in details since its out of my hands anyway I'm just going to have to live with it.

Hopefully, at least if this isn't another bs story from my sister I may have my own place come summer . YAY. I so need my own space, where I can cook clean and laze about at will, I get really tired of living with then parental units sometimes.

I've been attempting this dieting thing lately too. Just trying to round some some excess stuff from childbirth etc. I tell you, if you have high pain tolerance then go natural and avoid the c-section cuz eww. I think its working but I'm having issues with the first phase of it where I'm suppose to boycott all sorts of flour/pasta/sugar/rice/carbs. Nothing but vegetables, fish and poultry. The key issue here is the fish part it doesnt come into my house very often and its a bummer, well to some extent cuz I can only stomach certain types of fish. Working is hard on this diet because of all the fatty stuff I work around and salads are growing old fast.

A little random yes? Oh well. Prolly cuz I'm feeling a little random right now I guess. Wheres mai blanket? -skulks off to go find one!-

Ciao
-J

oops i did it again

2007-02-21T13:44:00.000-05:00

Well, this week is speeding rather quickly by. Good thing too. Its gonna be a long one but its almost over thank heavens.

I managed to piss of our cook again. I asked him to do something and proceeded with his usual tendancy to ignore me, followed by doing the exact opposite of what I had asked him to do, which left me to do it myself. Can we say unimpressed.

I don't get it. I mean I do but I don't. Granted I'm half his age and a female and it probably really bothers him that hes been there longer and I'm now his boss. But still, I mean if you've been there forever as he has why the hell should I have to tell him his job? I shouldnt even have to ask him to have things done it should be done already and his complete disrespect for my auth-or-it-ee pisses me off!

I managed to fubar the tills again last night. Surprise surprise. I'm crossing everything and hoping tonite goes a little more smoothly.

I think thats it, I have more non-work related things to write on but I think I'll post it separately tomorrow sometime, or when I have more time to post.

Ciao
-J

Damn I am good.

2007-02-17T08:52:00.000-05:00

So apparently my reign of terror begins, I've been assistant manager at work for just about 3 weeks now and I'm already hated. Buah ha ha ha.

Ken got put in his place yesterday for his use of profanity with me. He was told that he had better learn to accept my authority or he'd find himself suspended from work which apparently I have the authority to do.

Our new girl that we trained to replace me when I took over for Kayla got put in her place yesterday because apparantly she thought my authority was above that of the owners/head management. She asked if she could leave early and after being told no by them she came to me. I in turn called up the Boss and checked in with him because I had heard that she had already been told no and I wanted to be sure this was accurate, and then proceeded to blast her out for trying to pit me against the my own employer. Dumb dumb dumb!

Two days off. Both are now talking about leaving. Do I care? Not really. I mean the one wouldnt last anywhere else and well, I guess I could say the same for the other. They just dont get it, if you prove yourself reliable to Barb and Doug (the owners and key managers of the restaurant) they can be very wonderful to work for. Infact when I'm not frusterated with Doug I love them both dearly. They're very lenient very flexible employers and they treat employees well. No one else would put up with these two the way Barb and Doug do but oh well. Not my problem.

Last night I ran into a few snags with my cash counting but it worked out to where it was pretty near to being even so I left it. Its just frusterating for me because of my attention to detail and the fact that I feel responsible for it when it doesnt balance out in the end. I count and recount and re-recount just to be sure it isn't an error in my math cuz lets face it, I'm no mathematition and no where even close to being an accountant and the idea of being responsible for someone elses money stresses me. Oh well I'll learn to leave it alone eventually.

So yeah I think thats it.

Ciao
-J

I beat my record!

2007-02-16T08:38:00.000-05:00

Woot. I finally managed to bring my close time down to just under my scheduled time there. I'm scheduled from 12-10:30 and I was out by 10:20 last night! YAY no cash problems, everything balanced out beautifully, I almost cried for joy it was so sweet to be home at 10:45 rather than 11pm lmfao.

Its sad I've only been up for an hour and now my days already off to a rough start. Ryan busted the lense on my digital. Hes lucky I'm not beating the snot out of him for it. Not that I'd ever actually do that but I've discovered a better form of punishment. The loss of Nintendo. This 3 y/o loves his nintendo like mad its all he wants to do all day long n now hes lost it indefinately, in the mean time I need to figure out how to fix it or figure out how i'ma afford to have it fixed.

**Addendum** We got the camera fixed but unfortunately something is still off because my retracting lense goes in and out and in and out when I turn it off. It should only be retracting once.

I'm so glad I'm off this weekend. Its been sweet I only had to work 3 days this week. Next week I'll suffer for it but I guess it'll be good for me too it'll put me in my managers groove n maybe my auth-or-it-ee will kick in. I'm such a pansy. I hate having to tell people what to do, I thought for sure this wouldnt be an issue for me but I guess it is heh. Ah well. I shall kick major ass.

Speaking of my authority at work, I've run into that problem again with a certain member of my staff. Hes been there forever and well hes got issues with me being management. Last night I asked him to get me some frites from the freezer on his way out the door and he threw a tantrum and was swearing and cursing and asking why I didnt have kurtis do it. Well, I'm sorry to have inconvenienced him for a whole two seconds but we were both busy there were orders to be made and neither one of us could leave the kitchen. So he can get over it because in all honesty his behaviour is not acceptable.

Doug is suppose to pull him aside today near the end of his shift and talk to him. We'll see how it goes. If his behaviour doesnt change I'm going to have to put my foot down with him, if hes going to behave like a child then hes going to be treated like one thats all there is too it.

I think thats the end of my rant for today.

Ciao.
-J

sometimes I hate people

2007-02-14T08:20:00.000-05:00

So here I am work last night, and our heater isn't working. So in comes "Bill". Allow me introduce "Bill" to you. "Bill" is the owners son, previous assistant manager of Harveys and an all around asshole. There are some who would argue that last bit with me but well, in this case or rather in my case its pretty accurate.

"Bill" (for sake of of not slandering etc etc) has disliked me from the beginning because of my question employment history where I jumped jobs 3 times in the course of 3 months. He has picked and criticised me at work to the point where I had almost walked out on the place several times since starting there.

Last night he came in to check out the heating system for the dining room, which I had gotten working by the time he left. He put on this guise of being all friendly n shyte when he returned and talked and hung on the comper in the managers office before finally ridding myself of his presense. 10 min after he left I went and prepared to count tills and what do I find? Memorandum's on Assistant Manager responsibility!! x 2!! Okay, for starters I read this little summation of his while I was trained by the previous Assistant manager. Secondly, the emphasis on my tasks was a little irritating. Thirdly, the @#$% even went to the point of putting my name on one of them, as though I don't know my job. I KNOW MY JOB DAMMIT.

I was so pissed last night. He did that with Kayla too coming in and leaving her little notes on what she should and should not being doing yada yada. And I'm wtf? If you don't like how I do my job and you didnt like how she did it, then do it yourself BUT wait oh yeah thats right you quit working here because you don't like the restaurant thats right!! so why the hell don't you bugger off and leave the rest of us whom actually want to work here alone! And lets not mention the fact that 50% of the time you were on shift you hanging out on msn at work and only deemed to come out every 15 min to tell us minions what to do! -fumes-

I swear to god one of the happier days of my life was when this guy left. There was always so much tension in the restaurant when he started that it drove me absolutely insane and now hes doing it again and I want to scream at him!!

Other than that the shift went smoothly, I had a little trouble with the till balancing again but it was mostly okay. Just the last half of it that didnt want to add up correctly. I figure its my poor math somewhere. Oh well. Doug is checking into it tonite.

I think thats the last of my angsty whine.

Ciao.
-J

belated ramblings

2007-02-13T08:43:00.000-05:00

so anyway i know i've been totally slacking here by not posting but i have a legit excuse - its called exhaustion!

the last three close shifts i did were skeery, well not terrifyingly so they were just long and i was out late and then working 2 10.5 hour shifts which left me wiped out..

thursday after my first initial run in with the evils of register counting i returned to work to find out things were actually alright, the boss figured it was just an error in counting from previous nights...then when i closed that night i was out later than i should have been. I should have been done at 10:30 at the latest but it was 11 when i finished and 11:30 by the time i got home and closer to 12 by the time i got to bed..

Friday night was a little smoother. I was only 15 minutes later getting out - and by that i mean the restaurant closes at 10.00 and I'm scheduled till 10:30 and it was 10:45 when I left an home by i dunno 11:15..

But when you follow three late nights by mornings of 9-4 its tiring really quickly.

So anyway I work the next 4 nights and then I have a long awaited weekend off. Which will be nice cuz really I'm tired and I have so much stuff to do around the house. And the last thing I think of is housework when I have to work that day, cuz like, I'm lazy and not afraid of admitting it.

I feel really gross lately too. After my dread run in with the flu I managed to snag myself some nasty headcold and now I'm congested as all hell and its yucky. I even lost my voice for 2 days last week. They say bad things come in threes, so wheres the last one? Or do I want to know lol.

Valentines day is approaching, and well, I know I'ma catch flack for it. But I've never enjoyed valentines day. Its like being excluded from the gift exchange at christmas. I think in my entire 26 years of life I've only celebrated it twice and that was it. But everytime it rolls around I'm either single or I'm with someone whose too far away for me to be able to really enjoy it. I've found the only way I can actually tolerate it is to treat Ryan cuz hes the man in my life. I don't think it should be excluded to romantically involved couples and in all honesty it probably wasn't intended that way but thats the way its done and when you're a relationship handicap like I am it gets a little depressing.

So yep theres my whine for the day, will try to update more often.

Ciao people.
-J

Everyone has a bullet with thier name on it - so wheres mine..

2007-02-08T09:57:00.000-05:00

I feel so stupid. Theres no other way of putting it. Last night I did my first close. I know how to do the tills and the paperwork because I did them before. But somehow - and I don't know how. I buggered up completely. And disgustingly. And I can't figure it out. I spend most of last night rehashing it in my sleep and lost oodles of sleep over it. I've come to solve one dilemna but the other remains a total and complete mystery to me. I feel so inept and incompetant it isn't even funny and I have to go in and early today just so I can straighten it out, and then face my employer who is probably hating the fact that he promoted me now since I had to call him last nite twice.

Oh and thats the other thing, he said "Call me at any time if you need any help for anything" so I did and I got ab-so-fucking-lutely no help at all. Thanks Doug. It does me no good at all to have you feed numbers to me I need to know where they come from.

To top off this. I put a stop payment cheque for my account that I had made out to the dentist, got some info wrong, and they cashed it anyway so the dentist now has a double payment for my latest visit. Nice. So I'm out 73 dollars until they refund it.

-hangs head-

I'm jus bleh. I don't even want to go into work today its my first grand 10 hr shift. And I don't want to face them today. One them - and I think I mentioned them in an earlier post - will probably laugh at me and give me that 'i so knew you couldnt cut it look' ..What really pisses me off is that I can and I know I can but then how did I manage to fuck up so badly that my two of my tills are over by 50 dollars or more?

Anyone want to take my shift today?

Grapes of Wrath

2007-02-07T08:35:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I woke up sick with the flu. It wasnt too bad to start with. I felt a little queasy but rejoiced that I was able to keep food in the stomach, well that is until I got to work yesterday. Thats when the fun began. I got sick 5 times in the course of an 1 hr. Not good. So needless to say I ended up coming home and now I have to work on what was to be my day off. Oh well. I'm just happy its over with.

So tonite I go to work from 3-9 and tomorrow and friday I'll be doing 10 hr shifts. I'm so not looking forward to those. But saturday and Sunday bring shorter easier shifts.

I dreamt about Nic last night, as I do every once in a while. I guess it was the weak/fragile feeling in me that caused it. Its hard to explain. But when we were together and I was sick he took care of me and its been the first time I havent been able to experience that, I guess I just needed the security on some subconsious (sp) level.

Anywho I think thats about it.

Ciao.
-J

the first round in the ring

2007-02-05T19:37:00.000-05:00

So today went okay I guess. I mean I didnt really have any problems aside from:
a) I made the soup wrong, apparently the water is suppose to boil before you put it in
b) I killed the already dead chicken when I put it on the spits
c) turned on the rottisary (sp) 25 min later than I'm suppose to
d) spilled frier grease all over the floor..

BUT - I opened the safe. I successfully and correctly changed prices on the register. All my paper work was done for the day. I didn't burn anything and managed to learn something new. And I didnt do anything I couldn't fix after - I even cooked during a mini rush on the grill when our cook was on break..

Apparently some people have a problem with my au-thor-it-ee lol. I had to tell off our senior cook today because while everyone else was busting ass - myself included- he felt he was too good to lower himself to menial responsibility. And when I told him to do something all he did was either ignore me out right or just laugh or chuckle. And I was like 'wtf? get off your ass and do something!" I spoke to the owner about him tonite because this guy has been like that forever the only one he doesnt give that to is the owner and thats cuz the owner is too kind.

Tomorrow night I have to close. This means counting tills and struggles with the dreaded safe but I feel more confident in the fact that I managed to open it today. I think I can handle it now. It'll be interesting to see how our students respond to me. I really don't want to be the bitch but I do so loathe it when people have no respect or authority and such things.

When Kayla was manager I admit I was pissed that she got it, and it grated abit that I had to listen to someone who is 5/6 years my junior but I still listened and even learned to get along with her and now look I have her job lol . Ironic yes?

Ryan has spent his second night in his bed. Last night I tucked him, read him a book and gave him a kiss on the forehead. And then went to bed. But I explained a few things to him first. A) his room has a night light so it wont get too dark that he can't see. (b) mommy's room is just one room over (c) Nan was in the living room and (d) the kiss is magic so it keeps all things scary away. And then I reminded him about the treat he'd be getting if he slept in his bed.

Today I bought a rail for it so I wont have to lay awake dreading that he'll fall out. 1 hour and a half brings bedtime I'm curious to see how it'll go.

I think thats all for my ramblings.
Ciao.
-J

the new cop on the beat

2007-02-04T20:05:00.000-05:00

Alright so that sounds a little cheesey, you'll have to forgive me. Tomorrow begins my new day of assistant manager-ish (yes I know it isn't proper english). I open up the store and start my day off with a battle with the safe. So not cool, this safe is dumb . D - U- M -B! It doesn't matter how many times I try or what I do it doesnt want to open for me. Fun fun!

I'm a little nervous that people (ie: the students and a guy we'll call bozo for now) are gonna give me attitude though too, and it grates - ALOT. I mean come on I've been there for 2 years now, I deserve this and more than that I -can- do it. I've been in charge before, I have what it takes and I learn quick like, so what gives. They're all gonna try to walk all over me I know it and I'ma lay the almighty smack down on their candy asses - to quote the rock - and then they're gonna hate me. Oh well, I just don't like tension but I suppose I should get myself aquainted with it.

Ryan spent his first night in his bed last night. I've been wanting to do this for sometime but for some reason I lose even more sleep when hes not there than I do when he is. But I'm more excited than he is I think about this. The real test is going to see if he'll do it tonite. I promised him that he keeps doing it, I'll treat him to McD's. He loves McD's. Yes I know its treason.

I've been fiddling around in some adobe and I think I've finally gotten the hang of CS2 which is great, because when I first got it I was kind of overwhelmed I guess. Its not a great deal different from PS 7 but its got alot more nifty-ness and today I did my first ava from scratch, no pre-made brushes/textures/styles - noffin but my creativity and me. And it came out pretty sweet too!! I'll have to get it hosted so I can post a link.

So I guess this year brings new challenges. I'm crossing my fingers on the financial side of things and hoping one find day someone will drop a million dollars in my lap to get my osap loan paid. In the meantime I guess I'll just have to tolerate it draining my pocket. I'm also working towards a skinnier bettah lookin me. A buddy of mine (thank you Donna) is sending me a dieters guide an I'm bust my little bum trying to get rid of the jiggle. Don't ask.

Hmm. Oh yes I did something today I shoulda done along time ago and reconnected with someone close to me. She got caught in the ugliness of my relationship handi-cap and got the shaft when I went into hiding. But I got her again and it was so nice talking to her again, I cut so many people out of my world when things got ugly a few years ago and I had to refrain from the online community and I really miss the closeness I had with a few of them - yes Courtney that means you too.

I suppose in the long run it was bound to happen though, I just sorta sped the process up. Life sucks. Work is hard. Days are long as we get older we dont have the time to devote to our virtual family I guess, but inspite of distances and the seemingly emptiness these machines seem to promote there are a few on this piece of scrap metal and glass that I come to love and could not, or rather would not ever want to have gone through my life without knowing, and I really hope you all know who you are. Most of you are closer to me than some of my rt friends.

Anyway, I'm getting sappy, the night is short and work layeth ahead of me tomorrow.

ciao

-J

Happy Holidays

2007-01-04T19:21:00.000-05:00

Whelp, the holidays are come and gone. And I have to say that inspite of all my concerns about holiday gloom they went on swimmingly. I think it really cheered everyone and helped take their mind off everything to have ryan there. I know I enjoyed being there. I have yet to unpack but I need to work until sunday.

Lessee. Saturday night Ryan and I just vegged out. We didn't arrive until 9:30 and we just pretty much chilled with Grandma Kerry. Sunday night we had family over. At least 15 ppl came for dinner and we opened presents, poor ryan was so tired by the time they were done he passed out before they all left. Grandma and Grandpa put all their presents for him from 'Santa' under the tree and we then promptly headed off to bed.

Monday morning 'Santa' came to visit in person. We opened more presents and chilled for a little bit and then had dinner and spent the evening with Kerry's family over on bainbridge island.

Tuesday brought with it relaxation and rest, which was much needed and very welcome.

Wednesday Ryan and I went to the theater with two of his great aunts and his cousins (read: second cousins), played at the arcade. Ryan enjoyed a farris wheel ride, a miniature roller coaster and various other forms of amusement. Incase I havent mentioned it yet, he LOVES the arcade over in the seattle south center.

Thursday was the same as Tuesday.

Friday we took Ryan to the Point Defiance Zoo - if you havent been there you HAVE to go at some point, especially during the christmas season they light it up with lights and create scenery with them its absolutely beautiful.

Saturday myself, Kerry and Ryans many other Aunts (read: Great Aunts and Step Aunt) had a slumber party at Kerry's sisters place. It was a night of alcohol junk food and movies. We all went to bed pretty late and come Sunday we were all wiped out.

Sunday was a night of relaxation and fine drinking. Kerry and I drank baileys and rye (which is crown for you American's) and Ryan enjoyed himself some soda while we chilled and watched movies of his choice. We took him outside and allowed him to see the neighbours fire works display and then went to bed at the early/late hour of 12:15 am.

Monday was relaxation and taking down the tree day. We took down the entire tree and what we could of the decorations. We then proceeded to chill out with a meal of crab stuffed halibut and well, all of us were ready for bed by 10pm I think.

Tuesday was shopping day were mommy got to spoil herself rotten for once. We then chilled out at home with some rye and baileys and I kept ryan awake so he could spend his last night with his grandpa Bob.

Wednesday came way too fast and was almost depressing. I hate saying goodbye more than anything on this earth and I really do love Bob and Kerry. They're such wonderful people inspite of past misconceptions and every holiday or vacation spent with them seems to always end too soon.

I don't know I love both families and I just wish there were an easier way to do this. Its really hard being so far away from the one but to change I have to be farther away from the other. Theres no winning side here.

so thats the latest and greatest from the not so white north.
Happy Near and Belated Merry Christmas.

Ciao

-J

Tuesday was a shopping day.

summation

2006-11-07T09:44:00.000-05:00

"don't go away, say that you'll stay. Say that you'll stay, forever and a day. In that time of my life. Cuz I need more time, I need more time just to make things right.."
-----------------------------
I can't begin to describe the way I've felt in these last few weeks coping with his loss. I can barely even still bring myself to talk about it, its so much easier not to do so, to put in the back of my mind and carry on like it never happened. The hardest part of it all was telling Ryan. Its not something any parent should ever have to explain to thier child. He asked if he could go see his Dad at christmas, and I had to explain to him that he couldnt. It was hard very very hard and theres always going to be a part of me that resents him for leaving me to do that.

The thing is, I've got so many issues with this whole thing. And thats exactly what they are "issues". I hadnt spoken to him in two years and there is a part of me that feels that maybe I could have changed the outcome had been more open or receptive to talking with him, if I hadn't cut him out entirely as I felt I needed to.

Even as I'm writing this I'm aware of the conflicts this subject causes me. All the wishing and the could have should have and would haves. But even I know the truth of it is that I couldnt have saved him. Only he could do that and he didnt want to. So that brings to the one thing thats been eating away at me "WHY" and its driving me insane. I want to know why he felt so compelled to do this, why he felt he had no other options. Why? I want to scream it at him at the very top of my lungs and I can't because he isn't here to do so. I want to email him or bug him on msn or something to explain it all to me. I want to berate him and kick and slap him until I fall on the floor crying but I can't and leaves me feeling I dunno. Lost I guess.

I don't know how to put any of this behind me. So I don't talk about it. As I said I put in the back of my mind and hope that one day I'll forget. I can't even discuss it with his mom because I don't like talking about it at all. period.

I was told yesterday that I look sad all the time now. And maybe I do. I don't know. I feel as if I've been living under a fog since that wednesday night. I can barely function and when it it's routine things. I can act as though I'm fine but deep down I know I'm not and I don't even have the words to express it.

How do you say good bye to someone who ment so much to you? Especially when you know that were not for them you wouldnt be asking yourself this question. He was the father of my only child, he was a Master, he was a friend and someone I always knew I could be honest with. He was my fiance, my confident and my champion. It was intense and insane and if I could do over again I know I would. But maybe this time I'd take the time to appreciate him and give him the time I couldn't allow him this time around.

We all carry on our lives as though its just another day. But its there in the back our minds - especially those who knew him and loved him as much as I did. And deep down I want to make it all go away I think. I faced my brothers death, my grandfathers, my aunts and everything. And I was stoic. I wrote the eulogy's. I was the rock every leaned on. And I'm trying to be that now but deep inside I want it all to go away. I want to deny that its happened and act as though he'll come up on my msn tomorrow. I want to go back three years and relive it all again, when it was easier and when we had all the time in the world and we were so in love and it was all that mattered. But I can't. And I'm lost.

So for any of you who are wondering. Thats me. I'm not insensitive. I'm numb. I can't face it and I probably wont until next month. And even then I'll find something to hide behind.

Its probably going to be last I'll write on this too. But I had to let it out somewhere.
---------------

Go Easy Nic. I never had the chance to tell you, but i forgive you. And yes even now I still care. I hope you find what happiness you needed here but couldnt find.

One Final Oorah

2006-10-24T08:26:00.000-05:00

Its been almost a week now since your mom told me and I'm not entirely certain how I feel right now. Because none of this seems fair or real or right.

Callie thinks I'm hiding from my pain by being the rock which everyone else must stand on. And maybe I am but maybe thats because theres too much turmoil for me to face right now.

I keep thinking back to last month. It almost felt like all those years ago before the bottom fell out of our world and I had one last chance to hold you. But I didn't. I guess I didn't want to send any mixed messages because inspite of everything a part of me couldnt let go of that distance I put there between us, a distance that I felt was necessary for my own piece of mind.

I wonder though, did you really look. If you would have you would have seen that my heart was breaking just as much as yours was. I almost cried the entire way back to your moms house. Infact it took everything I could do not to.

I wish now that I would have. I wish alot of things lately. I wish I had been there more and maybe tried to rebuild a friendship with you so that you would have felt more grounded and maybe perhaps wouldnt have felt this was necessary.

You'd be amazed at the amount of broken hearts you left behind. Everytime I turn around theres another commentary on what a great friend and person you were. I wish you would have seen, and maybe realized because maybe then we wouldnt be hurting the way we are today.

Part of me is so angry at you that you would rip yourself out of Ryan's life like this. I havent told him yet because I want him to live with the belief that he has a father for a little bit longer, I want to extend to him that time that you denied him because it's going to break my heart when I break his for you. There were so many memories that you two still need to build and share and talks left for you to have. He'll be there at christmas and you wont be and its going to break his heart when he hears that he can't see his daddy. And a part of me, no matter how much I'm going to miss you, will never forgive you for that. He's only 3 and he needed you, I can't take that place you should have had and it wasn't right for you to deny him it.

Part of me is sad, because even though you and I had a real rough ride near the end, and inspite of everything that was said and done between us we had some really great times. And even though we werent together anymore it doesnt change the fact that 3 of the best years of my life were spent with you and when we split up a part of me left with you that I never got back. And now I never will because I carry those memories with me and everytime I even think of it I cry because we'll never have a chance to sit down and actually work through them. And I feel the loss so strongly sometimes that I have to block it because it blocks my ability to think.

You spent your entire life feeling as though you were unloved and wanted. Yet if this was the case there wouldnt be so many people crying for your loss right now. You step dad Bob was crying on the phone last night when I spoke to him. Do you have any idea what that did to me? What this is doing to him. And you're mom cried for an entire week when we couldnt find you, and it broke her heart when we did and shes still crying. And what about Dave and Cathy and Dillon and the countless others you reached across the piece of itty bitty metal and glass to and touched who are going to feel your absense the rest of thier life? The fact is you were loved. And you should have reached out to us when you felt that desperate because if you had we wouldnt be where we are today.

We're all going to miss you. And I hope that where ever you are you're happy and safe and found the peace you were looking for because if you haven't then all of this, all these tears all the heart ache everything, is for nothing.

Sliante Nic
I'll never forget you. And I wont let Ryan either.

I think I'ma hurt someone soon!

2006-08-05T16:43:00.000-06:00

I just got blasted out because mistakenly I used 30$ my mother was given to buy presents for my son and my niece for my sons birthday party.

I needed dip for veggies for a party of 30 people and icecream. So I used the money. I was told i could. So I did. I didn't know what it was for. I was just told it was there to use.

My dad found out tonite and bit my head off. He ranted about how ' they need presents yada yada yada.' What he really means is "Deedee (who is my niece) needs presents!" thats what he means. Know how I know because I just got lectured on what I spent on Ryans birthday and how I 'couldn't' afford it. In other words - my sister can't and its my fault that Ryan got spoiled rotten on his birthday by everybody he knows but mainly by me.

You know I don't care that I make only 8.20$ an hour. Okay I do. But when it comes Ryan. I don't. He's my son. Hes my pride and joy and most days hes my sanity. He keeps me functioning more than anything else I can think of and hes THREE for goodness sake. Hes allowed big expensive birthday parties. Especially when hes an only child. I'll be damned if I'ma be yelled at for taking care of my son with the little bit of money I bust my ass for. Especially when said sister's boyfriend makes 4/5 dollars more an hour than I do and works a second job on the side. Not to mention her government child care allowance which is a little over 3 tmes more than what I get a month to take of my son. My son. My money. If I can't use it to spoil my son and give him a good third birthday party then what good is it?

It pisses me right fuckin off to have someone bitch at me because I give my son everything, he gets the kind of presents and parties I only dreamed of. and If that aint what every parent wants and tries to give their kid then shoot because I didn't know it was wrong to love a little boy that much.

-fumes-

ohmy#@@$%^god

2006-06-04T18:56:00.000-06:00

I can't believe its been over a month since I last posted. Well okay so maybe I can but still.

Erm lessee..things have been alright ..attempting to make plans for the little man and i to visit the inlaws but thats kinna up in the air since shes needing a surgery within the next few months..

Went out to the bar last night. Had a good buzz going before I went but when i got to the bar the drinks were so full of ice that there really wasnt anything to them..shitty...however i will say this..creme de banana (banana liquer shots) are extremely good its like drinking a banana popsicle with vodka mmmmmm.

Sister wanted to hook me up with someone but he didn't show up ..not sure how i feel bout that..a little disappointed but at the same time relieved..guess it goes to show i'm not ready for a relationship..

I think thats probably bout it..take care ya'll..

ciaou

the scoop

2006-04-23T11:33:00.000-06:00

whelp i went out to the bar last night. After first imbibing i think it was 5 glasses of rye and ginger. Then we went to the bar and I drank two beer, danced my ass off and sadly found no hotties because they was either taken or icky and there wasnt many people there. I will say this though - fuck is that place ever small.

I managed to stagger my way into house some time after one, change and passout on my bed and then i slept in until 9am.

Collections assholes beware! hehe. I'm guessing their not happy with me. I kinna sorta got them in shyte! but whats a girl to do when people are harassing you for money you're sending them just because it isnt the little peice of payer which will grant them access to my accounts. I spoke to not only a lawyer - bankruptcy lawyer - but also to my MP one mr. Anthony Rota and told em both look they needa leave me alone lol. I mean come on I've already had the number changed because of them.

TWO days off this week!! not just one but TWO!! -swoon- holy fuck I'ma be happy come friday. If only 11-7 didnt feel so fucking long.

Beyond this all is good. Status quo you could say. Nothing much is goin down may go out again this weekend though. Kinna had fun.

Ciao!!!!

2006-04-19T06:10:00.000-06:00

eh I guess I should update eh?

Nothing much is really new. My hours have been a little many at work. One of our girls had to quit and because she did another felt 'inconvenienced' because she had to work a full 8 hr shift -gasp- and decided to have mommy call and whine to the boss so now her hrs are dropped which means the rest of us are slaves.

Collections agency is starting their song and dance again. 'We need post dated checks'. Not when I'm paying you 100 dollars a month you dont. Bugger off. I told them last night I'm going to see my bankruptcy lawyer and I've also threatened with harassement charges.

We have a friend of my dads staying with us and the gossip mill is running apparently people now think I'm so desperate I'd hook up with someone old enough to be my dad i dunno why no one can accept that my single-ness is for the moment a self chosen path.

Just basically tired today. Little moody. I've found out that I've gone from owing 7000 to my federal student loans to 13,844. I'll be old and gray by the time thats payed off. I'ma pay it for the next two years and go bankrupt. Its gonna suck but I dun wanna be paying that off forever. My budget is already tight enough.

Been feeling a little withdrawn again. I dunno its strange, I mean I just dont feel like relating to anyone and everyone is getting on my last nerve lately. Specially last nite at work. One of the girls was like can you do this? can you do this? can you do this and I'm just left to think well 'wtf are you doing'.

yep tired is me. Tired of my job. Tired of stress. and just tired lol.

nothing else much is new.

Ciao

updates finally

2006-03-24T07:43:00.000-06:00

So I know I haven't written in a while. I havent been on much though so I'm hoping I'm forgiven. Nothing really new has happened. Dad and I are talking again. I guess he realized the truth in what I was saying. He's even evened out his generosity amongst the little people which is even better.

I finally have another weekend off. I dont have to work next saturday and I have a four day vacation coming this summer as well. YAY!! Other than that I'm a slave to my job because too many people require money from (osap mainly). I'm getting smart though and keeping a record of confirmation numbers to verify all of my payments. I'm simply not taking any more shyte from them. I'm somehow managing to pay them 100/month so they can just bugger off. They've gotten 275 dollars in payments from me thus far. So they can stick their cheques where the sun dont shine.

Having my strange dreams again. I vaguely remember the church being in it. As well as him and a tattoo that becomes a bracelet when worn eh? dont ask lol. I have no explanations for them accept that I'm - if not officially or clinically proven- quite crazy lol.

Thanks to the fashion industry I get to work even harder at my weight loss attempts. What used to fit no longer does. from a 15 to a 16 and I havent even eaten anything fatty. I think I'm gonna cry. So I bet you're asking how I know its the designer and not me? Welp I have a pair of pants currently with a 15 waist that still fit - but the new ones I bought for work so I wouldnt have to wear them (because they were like 40$ and I dont want them wrecked) do not. Death to the fashion industry. We are not all of us anorexic. I've gotten 3 pairs in the last month that I've had to return. DIE BASTARDS DIE!!

Off to the work sessions again this week. I wonder what we'll be doing then. Hmm.

Anyway I think thats it. Wish me luck on sunday winnings! I'll put it on the credit card! or at least half and then I'll split the other between the student loans. If I win big anyway. I'm playing Bingo again sunday.

Ciao.

quickie before work

2006-03-17T08:47:00.000-06:00

Well, its been an eventful and very long week. I'm uber tired. And thats an understatement.
Dad and I had a huge arguement on monday night about his priorities and how fucked up they are. I basically blasted him out for playing favorites - I'm pretty sure he means well by it all but still we all know about the best intentions , the road to hell is paved with them- hes got this issue of trying to take care of people. He likes to feel needed and one of my siblings has a big issue with relying on that too much. So in essence he does little things like providing snack foods for her kids before bed, buying medicines, loaning money etc. But in his hurry to be sure the kids are taken care of hes got like 4 other grandchildren that hes neglecting. And I bitched him out for that. That and his less than fatherly behaviour toward another of my siblings. See, a few years back , before my bro passed on my dad and him had it out and my dad out and out disowned him. We tried but well, he wouldnt speak to my brother and refused to. My brother died at the age of 25 without having made up with my dad and his conscience is guilt ridden over it. And now I see him - albiet unknowingly *i hope*- making the same mistake. It makes me wanna pull my hair out. Besides this I'm stuck in the middle and I hear it all from both ends and its frusterating.

On the other hand its been work work work and dealing with collections BS. I'm speaking to our MPP tomorrow to kick some sense into these idiots whom are bickering because I wont send them a piece of paper with my acct info. Sorry no one but me gets access to my bank accts. I've seen others screwed around like that before.

Boss posted the schedule for next week. Yet another saturday of work. I'm soooo tired of my job at this point. The only reason I'm hanging in is because I'm hoping for management position come september.

Other than this life is its usual line of monotony.

Think thats it. Peace out y0!

karma

2006-03-13T08:05:00.000-06:00

for the last little while i've wondered constantly over the generosity i show to those around me and often in frustration (usually when remembering what little funds i've left over from cheque) I think to myself -'Am I ever gonna have my generosity rewarded?' - this is not to say that I'm generous and kind with the expectation of being rewarded but that occassionally, when depressed over my finances i look at what i have and what i have shared and I can't help but think 'when is it my turn' because I'm financially frustrated.

Well, last night, my sister and I were playing TV Bingo and she won the final round - the prize being 800$-and even though she didnt have to, she shared her winnings and I think its because she knows I would have shared with her. So I'm sitting with an extra 200 in my pocket today.

Thank you karma, thank you Jesus, thank you God and Thank you Cathy. Its nice to see that kindness doesnt always go unrewarded.

I also took Ryan to the movies yesterday. I think he enjoyed it immensely so we're going to make it a bi-weekly treat quality time slot so that him and I arent always at home when I'm not working.

2006-03-11T08:15:00.000-05:00

eh i dont have a title for this because i'm too sleepy to be creative.

I think I've reached my turning point. For the last little while I've been striving for some form of equilibrium and contentment but somethings always come along to fuck it up for me. I think though I've made my first step.

I think that as we age and mature theres always some part of our past that we linger over that we keep looking back to that prevents us from moving forward and i think finally i'm ready to let that part go.

I realized something while I was laying in bed last night in my state of half wakefulness and its readied me for my future. Lets face it. I'm 25 years old and its time to move foreward I'm not getting any younger. The realization was that I just simply dont need that part of my history anymore. Its been sitting in the back of my head for years and for some reason I held on to it. But last night ..I just let go..something changed. I really dunno how to explain it.

I'm happy..well okay not exactly 'happy' but I'm ready to be content and work toward my future instead of only living in momentariness.

YAY for changes!

On another note it would seem my federal student loan has been passed to the same collection agency my other is currently at. Its such a pain. I have to fill out this financial questionaire thinger mabob to start making payments. -rme-

Can't these people just accept the fact that I'm poor?

Tomorrow I'm taking ryan to see curious george the movie. I'm hoping he'll sit still.

Anywho I think thats it for now. Ciao.

mondays are from the devil

2006-03-06T08:09:00.000-05:00

Well its been a slow rest filled weekend. Sorta. Yesterday consisted of a ton of housework and last night a huge lack of sleep. I ended up cramping my neck and suffering from a toothache at the same time but was too tired and lazy to get up to do anything about it.

Back to the millstone today. Talk to the boss about some summer time off. Geez I'm tired.

Ryan's gone to my sisters again to play. She said she'd babysit today because the other sister has an apt - I guess with a doctor.

Feeling a little rattled. Its amazing how easy that happens these days. I prefer my ignorance most of the time now but at least hes okay.

Umm I think thats bout it. Sleepy and only 10% coherant.

Good morning people - go back to bed!!

Ciao.

the silence gets us no where..

2006-03-05T11:27:00.000-05:00

Whelp skipping the sunday work out today because my female body has decided it hates me. -wrinkles nose- its days like these when I have a hard time remembering why I stopped taking the needle.

Umm..Hmm ..Ryan is with the sitter/sister because well, he wanted to go play at 'cack's house' and so hes been gone for a few hours now. House is slowly getting cleaned. But I'm icky so I'm taking my time.

Work is driving me crazy. Sister bitches about the boss at me, the boss bitches about the sister at me. Boss is bitchy. (Boss=Female Boss type person). I get to work the next two weekends in the row. -rme- and umm jus blech.

I'm feeling Marital. One of my buddies from work is getting married and I've had the honor of helping her pick out invite patterns, wedding favors and arches and stuff. I feel so special! Its nice.

Umm I really dont have much to say today I'm still kinna dead to the world. The brain is in bed and body is well, the body needs to be shot.

So I'ma scoot. Ciao.

ugh

2006-03-02T09:47:00.000-05:00

half an hour to go and i'll be on the bus to work. I dont wanna! I'm so tired this morning its not even funny. And I slept decently and everything I just dont feel rested. Thankfully I have two days off this week. My moods kinna blech too. Not depressed just not I dunno. I'm kinna grumpy. lol. See above.

Dads complaining again. I wish he'd stop I wanna thump him sometimes because theres always -something-.

Eh well, I'm off work early tonite. Theres a happy thought. Is it 6:30 yet? God I'm tired.

Umm I really dont have much to say today. Take care ya'll.

Ciao

the test - fairly accurate

2006-03-01T09:43:00.000-05:00

CREATOR.
You are a CreatorYour imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a creator:
You are independent, and you enjoy your self-sufficiency.Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.The look of things is important to you, and you have a keen eye for aesthetic beauty in multiple arenas.You have a strong interest in what is new and exciting—and that includes forging ahead with new ideas, not simply discovering what is already out there.Your eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations.You're not set on one way of doing things, and you are creative when it comes to finding novel solutions to complex problems.You trust yourself to be innovative and resourceful.Your confidence allows you to take your general awareness and channel it into creativity.You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:
Appreciate the earthly, practical elements of things—there is beauty in form as well.While you are good at thinking abstractly, focusing on details a bit more may help you discover things about the world.

How You Relate to Others:
You are Concerned -Your understanding of others' emotions, your sense of right and wrong, and your skeptical nature make you Concerned.

CONCERNED.
Your observations of your environment, in concert with your clearly defined worldview, leads you to be aware of the feelings of others.Because you can read people well, and because you can understand their feelings, you are often bothered by others' insensitive behavior.While you appreciate others' emotional nature, you don't think their emotional concerns should take precedence over their obligations to society.You prefer to be in smaller groups, as big groups can often get out of hand.Order and structure are somewhat important to you—you believe that people's feelings are better protected when others are respectful and follow certain societal guidelines.You tend to share your feelings with a few individuals who are close with you, but otherwise you are a private person.

If you want to be different:
Let your caring nature allow you to put more trust in people in general—you can have more faith in them without losing your valuable skepticism.

yet another strange dream.

2006-03-01T07:41:00.000-05:00

I was somehow in the states again and with him and we were shopping for ryan, the only reason i went in the dream but then we actually started to get along for a bit. Somewhere along the line that changed and we were fighting again, I was on my way to leave and he said something which upset and replied back in kind. It was very very strange because the scenario fit so well. It was just typical i guess. I dunno i chalk it up to my talk with my mom last nite.

A friend of mine is getting married and we got to the topic of how i almost made it there myself, and she stated -'now arent you glad you didn't'- I get the same response from everyone I know and yet I think I'm not glad because if things had worked out maybe the ending would have been different? Its hard to know. But anyway, this was the cause for my weird dream which has me in an equally odd mood.

Work is going well. Last night went on without anything of much irritation with the exception of a pushy customer being a pain in the ass. Sorry if I didnt jump at your fries right away buddy, you're not the only one at the counter and I'm trying to take care of 5 orders at the same time. -kix him-

Eh I'm not too bad I guess. Tired still .Pensive too. I hate getting thoughtful though because well, it usually ends up with me being depressed because i end up thinking about all the things I shouldnt be.

Love to my people.

Ciao

a reminder as to why i dislike cheques

2006-02-28T08:18:00.000-05:00

I had my kitty spayed two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, I gave them two cheques. One for the day she went in and one for last thursday to pay for the operation. I swear up and down that I marked the cheque and dated it for the 23rd. They say it has the 25th on it. So it didnt go in right away. No biggie the money is in the bank BUT service charges come out today. The service charges will eat the money for the cheque and the cheque will bounce. I tried depositting money into the account so it wouldnt bounce but that money wont be available for 3 days.GRRR. stupid stupid stupid.

This is why I wont use them. I don't trust them to keep my account balanced. I've had 'issues' for lack of a better term with my OSAP collections because they want them but I wont send them. I use electronic transfer for that.

So anyway, I'm very litterally sitting on the edge of my seat and freaking out. Thank you engleheart vetrinary clinic! -mutters-

a word from our sponsors

2006-02-27T20:04:00.000-05:00

Bosses Suck!

we had a minor rush tonite which lasted all of five minutes, theres two of us upfront -myself and serena- and roughly 10 people at the front counter and a car on drive through. We had these three guys order rib combo's for dinner and the boss set the trays up with chicken and started yelling 'rib combo, can someone please bring this out? I'm on the grill!! ' etc and going into his usual spazzy type mode..anyway, I'm like uh sure Doug what would ya like us to do? Serena is taking an order and I'm trying to cash one out on Drive thru? Yep sure get right on that one. He does it all the time. Spazzs. Then his son comes in and starts giving the lecture on 'I don't want you guys to be worrying about closing stuff take care of the customers and the dining room first blah blah blah' and then started dishing out orders and i'm like 'ssssuuuuuuurree if it werent for the fact that i'm taking orders and trying to get other stuff done, if i had a moment or even a clue it needing doing i might have done it' what i really wanted to say was 'fuck off' 'cept i didnt say either, i just nodded and smiled, in one ear and out the other. Hes an ass and he doesnt really work there anymore he just thinks he does. He likes the power trip.

Other than this I'm not too bad. Tired. Thinking of pj's and other things.

anyway i think my ranting is done for tonite.

ciao

monday monday monday

2006-02-27T08:26:00.000-05:00

Wow. I just went through n looked and i've updated lots here lol -skeered- Went to bed at 9pm last night. Started falling asleep with Ryan during spongebob. So i went to bed and did i ever sleep. I had this strange dream where I was in this ritzy kinna rich looking hotel/building n someone kept letting these wild cats in to hunt out me and a few others. Just odd!

My leg muscles are aching from yesterdays work out. A combination of weights and stretching. I feel all bull legged and stuff they're pulling all the way around.

No troubles from the arm last night but I think between the lacota cream and the anti-inflamatory I took for it it should be nipped in the bud -hoping-

Not too much new right now, well..not really..heh..its like only 8:30 am and I've only been up for half an hour.
I'll write more later.

Tirrah!

updates

2006-02-26T16:47:00.000-05:00

so its all good now. page is redone, standby i do that frequently because i get tired of looking at the same thing all the time.

turned out the sisters alarm didnt go off and her phone is broken, so apparently being that shes my sister i should forgive her..

went and did my exercises again today. Today's special was weights with tie in of yoga at the end to stretch out my already achey muscles. They're not nice btw. I didnt sleep much last nite because my right shoulder is being stupid. Yeesh for being only 25 i ache like i'm 50 -sigh- i guess it comes with the looks -hair flip- hehe just kidding!

hmm..what else? New PJ's! or at least bottoms. Yes yes I'm a sad pajama obsessed little person but hey they're ssooooooo comfy -swoon-

Ryan is with my other sister still - for those of you with enquiring minds i have 4 of those, so yes, the other sister hehe. I miss him but its relaxing. Or would be without the oldest sister and her little people here.

umm...not too much to say today lol. I'll update again later.

Ciao.

running through my head

2006-02-25T09:21:00.000-05:00

i dream of all the things that i can never have,
you here in my arms,
the beat of your heart,
i dream of all the things that i can never have,
i dream of all the things that i can never have...

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why is it that my sisters always rely on me but i can never rely on them?
another saturday where i dunno whose watching ryan because apparently alcohol is more important

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never again am i gonna watch a movie that hits so close to home and makes me wanna bawl like a baby..

morning rambles..

2006-02-24T08:21:00.000-05:00

more dreams again..one with him, one with another ex..so strange..

anytime i want you all i have to do..is dreeeeam, dream dream dream

2006-02-23T07:58:00.000-05:00

lol or maybe not.. been having the strange ones again..last night i was calling him on a cellphone-which i dont happen to have-and hearing my voice echo off it so i thought it a wrong number and called again and we started talking about what went wrong and stuff, and it came up about us getting back together..i dunno..

then there was the other one, I was getting myself ready for a shower because i was i dunno but i think i was dirty or something and my brother in law started going off and telling me i wasnt allowed to use it and i told him to fuck off lmao..there was a friend of mine here at the time and for some reason he ended up joining me sssssssstrrrrrrrange..i chalked it up to hormones lmao..

There was another one too which i believe was inspired by watching Lemmony Snickets series of unfortunate events..there was me - cept i was darker haired- and an abusive father and a few other figures...was rather odd but this one is still rather vague in the memory....

Work is going well, last night was slower and all hell and the boss is frusterating..dun get me wrong i love him, hes a really nice person and I prefer him to all other employers but last nite he was naggin me to come up front and there was only 1 thats right ONE person upfront and one on drive through and nothing to garnished -rme- he spazz's like that alot..

Ryan is his usual ray of light and enjoyment, my god can he make me laugh. he wakes up gives me huge hugs and then prompty hides under the blanket and hes soooo ticklish..man i'm glad i have him, i think i'd go crazy sometimes if it werent for Ryan.

think thats it..

ciao

ugh

2006-02-21T19:36:00.000-05:00

so here it is, 7:30 and i'm bone tired and having just arrived home from work. And all I wanna know is why? Why the hell did she make me stay that long when up until I was it was absolutely quiet? GRR. And then theres the phone call I got today, i love my sisters but sometimes I absolutely fucking hate them. I got a call from the older one today - while at work- asking me for money! of all the things in the freaking world. LEAVE ME ALONE I"M BROKE! -hangs head- I hate people sometimes.

Aside from this I guess I'm alright, just tired and grumbly. Tired of people thinking I'm a bank. I wish I could send every last one of their asses to collections lol.

On top of this I have to work again saturday and a day off just doesnt feel like a day off when you have to work half of the day and do housework the rest, go the gym the following day and continue to bust your ass at home - wheres my down time?

I'm mentally working through my budget and I'm going insane. I see every paycheck arrive only to see it go and I've got nothing to show for it. All my hard work. All the raises I've gotten, every last penny is gone by the end of the day. Ah well least I'll be debt free soon. Hallejah!

Umm I think thats it. and oh yes my lil man is home!! YAY!!!!!

the downlow

2006-02-20T08:23:00.000-05:00

soo anyway, it would appear i have my layout troubles fixed. Thank god I couldnt stand the plain white and black and the typing was spaced soooo far over as to be almost off the page. I even found myself a tag board for this thing, whose stylin now eh? -strut-

Yesterday wasn't too bad. Very quiet. My sister took the boy over night and well, around 7pm it was so silent here i was almost falling asleep. I did mass amounts of cleaning just to stay awake, but when I fell into bed last nite, I really missed him. It took me a while to get off to sleep. I was just like 'I want my lil boy back!' lmao. Its good for him though.

After that it was just dreams. Dreams of driving off bridges, dreams of Ryan, dreams of work. The only one I really remember even just a little is the bridge one.

I had my first taste of Yoga yesterday and I must say I was ready to fall asleep lol. Granted it was merely relaxation poses and meditating but still! I dont think i'll be signing up for the class. Its not what I'm lookin for. I needa be slim and sleek and somehow lol I dun think Yoga is gonna do it.

Anyway, off to shower and ready myself for work.

Ciao

the blog

2006-02-19T08:20:00.000-05:00

so i've been told i need to get myself one of these new fangled blog's lol. Because an LJ isn't adult enough. So here I am. but keep in mind I am no posting queen so it could sit empty for months.