updates..much needed updates..

So its been too long since I've written in here and its time to start again. I need somewhere to release all this ..whatever it is..thats been dragging me down. And I mean really down. Its like the post Nic roller coaster all the time. Who needs an amusement park when my emotions provide all the ups and downs they do right?

So quick recap:
Shane: Nice guy. Great guy. Not it. There was a lot of maturity lacking there. Too clingy. Too needy. Didnt work. I think all in all it was just way too soon. Too much too fast.

Travas: omfg. This is where my roller coaster comes in. And there will be more as I get to writing in here. Sweetest guy I've met in years. Havent felt like this since Jason. For any of you who know the history its just.Wow. Well over six years since I've cared this much for someone. But he's got baggage he's dealing with. And because he's the male version of me he doesnt want to burden me or hurt me by it. So we're done. A decision I wish I could back and redo. Theres alot of what-ifs and questions on this one.

Travas is a single parent. Recently separated who had to deal with similar issues regarding his relationship that I endured with Nic. But without all the cheating. Without all the lies. Really he and his wife were just really ill matched. Incredibly so.

So a year later he meets me. And lets face it, we all know what I'm like. Too nice for my own good. Wanting to take on the world for those I love. Big white knight complex right? Thats me. And we click. We click because I have a good idea of what he's going through. Not that the situations were the same but lets face it, when the first real love of your life lets you down it hurts. And he's a bleeding heart like me. Takes everything way to personally.

So we fall, or rather I do - not intentionally I swear after shane I did not want to get attatched - and he starts to, panics, then runs. Nice!

So this is where the what-ifs and roller coasters come in. For the sake of complete honesty here, I think I could have salvaged this. But I was too lost in my own chaos to acknowledge that he was reaching out and my brilliant response "do you need some space" . Brilliant right? Good job Pamela! I havent hated myself so much for that comment as I have in a long time. Could have should have would have. I hate all three.

So now we're 'friends'. But this friend is having issues. Alot in the last month. And there will be more on that too in my next entry because I feel honestly, that there will tons more because as I said I need somewhere to put all this, to let it out, and get it out of my head. Because honestly, the clammoring of all those little voices, is making it hard to think straight.

ciao