-insert witty, intellegent, and fitting title here-

Its been too long since I've written in this dumb thing. -lol- But I've been busy and just not had anything important to write. Mostly working myself into an early grave pretty much, but oh well, money is money and everylittle bit helps.

Every now and then I find myself thinkin of Nic again and while its not exactly unwelcome its strange. When he was still around it was easier to let things slide and just move on with my life, and now that hes gone I think about him and even miss him more than I did while he was alive.

I still find it hard to talk about it. I hardly do actually because its simpler not to. And it goes with everything else I believe about Death. Theres nothing you can do to change it, you cry, rage and shut yourself away for ever but there isnt anything you can do to bring them back - no matter how much you want to.

I keep finding myself remembering all the good times we had and laughs we shared. I really miss those sometimes. And I look at ryan and it kind of tears up me inside, all over again, about how he has to go through his life without knowing the side of his dad that we all did.

Anyway, I'ma switch topic here before I work myself into another glum state of mind.

Work is going well..sorta..I kinna botched up a shipment we received last week..but he came in with the stuff while we were busy and had already started unloading so I was trying to check off what he was bringing and what he had already brought in at the same time..last night sucked..I thought I'd never get out of there. 12-10 is such a long ass shift it just drags..makes me wanna cry almost lol..

On the upside I managed to relieve myself of a tantrum throwing 40 y.o - Go Me!! And the restaurant is a bettah place without him. Now all I needa do is kick some little'un butts into gear. I'm so tired of hearing about really, "we do more work than they do...I do more work than they do" - how bout we stop the whining and just get the job done? I mean really!!

Ryan's turning 4 in two weeks and then he goes to school in sept. Man that depresses me. He's getting so big so fast, and I get to miss it all because I'll be working my tush off so he and I can live decently. Well not comfortably but the bills will be paid, food will be provided and he'll have clothes on his back heh. I keep looking at his pictures from when he was smaller and it makes me weepy almost. I miss having my ten lb baby to lug around and cuddle up on. I mean hes still just as affectionate but only on his time. How sweet is that? And I know when school comes and he starts building himself a social circle it'll all change. I guess now I know how my dad feels knowing that his kids don't need him as much as they used to. Bah being a parent sucks sometimes. I don't wan't him to grow up.

He acts alot like Nic too sometimes. Which is nice to see but there are some traits I think he could do without. Hes got a fast temper and is easily frusterated, and angry boy is he angry. I've been trying to help him curb that though, so that hes not so emotional. I'm trying to teach him to think before he acts. And to use his words to express his feelings instead of throwing things and hitting things. I guess that inspite of his intelligence I just have to remind myself that he is only three, but I'd like him to get a control on that before school. He has a bad habit of hitting and all those other nasty things little ones like to do when they're upset. And I don't want him being sent home for it.

Anyway, as you can see its pretty random heh. I've only been awake for an hour and half and I still have a 10 hr day ahead of me. Catch ya'll on the flip side.

Ciao
-J

I dont want to go to work today mom

So week of closing and I'm thoroughly wiped out. Last night was crazy insane. As soon as our extras left it was stupid. Busy busy until 9pm giving me and the students working with me an hour to get everything done and I only wish I could say it was interruption free.

I got home pretty late last night because my cook forgot to close our roof hatch - its a ventalation system we put into use during the summer, we open what would look like an attic door from the ceiling and put a removable screen up. Anyway, its really badly arranged because the ladder leans one way and the crank to close it is on the opposite side - and for all of those who are scared of heights -coughs- reaching across a ladder is not a good thing..Anyway I needed to call the manager in to close it but then our night time cleaner came in and closed it for me..but it was almost 11:30 by the time i got in and then near 12 when I got to bed and I was woken up this morning at 7am.

I had a really good dream last night too. Not the usual kind where theres all these wierd symbolic things like wizards etc..but just a simple really good dream ..involving someone I know..and I really did not want to wake up from it..bah humbug!

Ah well, 2 more days and then I have a day to chill and after that 8 more days of work and then VACATION!!!!! YAY!!

I think thats all my senseless rambling for today.

Ciao
-J

My life is a cartoon

and my dreams are the stuff books are made of..

Well sort of..I watched this cartoon - japanese anime style- with my dad and ryan the other night. And its kinna skeery how the theme or more specifically one character in the cartoon resembles moi.

The cartoon was "Howls Moving Castle" and I of course would have to be the young 18 year old Sophie. Except that I'm not 18. With the acception that I am neither 18 nor all that young. LOL.

Anyway, the character is young female whose accepted the fact that shes not going to find herself happily married and devotes herself to job when she meets howl. Now accept for the fact that I will probably not ever find myself swept off my feet by dashing young wizard of questionable repution .. Thats pretty much me in a nutshell, well accept that her excuse is her age - which I find funny because seriously, 18? bah try being 26! No, instead its my lack of a social life which is at fault here. Somewhere between working as much as I do and having to devote my free time to my son Ryan, I don't have time for romance.

Its just strange finding such...erm..how to put it..familiarity in a cartoon..I don't know its like reading a true life story that finds some form kinship or truth in your own life or something..I forget the phrase that was used to describe it..

Its also confirmed for me the fact that maybe Dad's right and I should write books. Seriously. I think what did it is it bears a striking resemblance to a dream i had no too long ago, i believe i posted it here and it was a little strange.

The reason I say my dad thinks I should write books is because I keep having these really exceptionally strange dreams that would make a great plot for horror novel etc. I had one years back about a little boy in a hospice of some sort who was deathly ill and since he'd been in the hospice all his life he developed an imaginary freind. Unfortunately because of his lack of social interraction and inability to enjoy his youth he became bitter and as he did the imaginary friend developed a life of his own and started feeding off the boys anger and started killing off any other children who came around..thats exhibit A..now tell me does that not have Stephen King written all over it..

The dream I had happened to mention to him was one of my sister Tammy being pregnant but the baby had some form of health problem or something and the community she lived in had this twisted notion of spartanism where any child with defect was killed because they wanted to raise the children to take care of them and obviously a child who has any form of mental disability would not be able to do that..

There are other stranger ones I've had and to some extent I agree. I could write books off these accept my limitted ability to remember anything other than a basic description of these dreams and my inability to write anything resembling a decent subplot would interfere..

And now I have a dream and weeks later watch a cartoon which is almost identical to it, when I've never seen it before..

Strange..And yes for those of you asking.. I probably should up my medication..

-ciao
J

i'm not crazy

i'm just a little unwell..or at least thats what i prefer to believe anyway

blah...i really don't want to work today...i want to sleep and go back to my dreamings of two nights ago..i tried to dream it again last night but it didn't work and everything was fubar...

you ever have the kind of dreams which evoke a sense of familiarity? I do. Or at least the more vivid ones do. And it sits in my subconcious all day long.

I had this one two nights ago where I was with the guy, and there was sort of fantasy type deal to it. I don't know how else to describe it. There we were though, he and I, himself being some form of magician/wizard/ whatever and the others being reincarnated elements in the guise of humans. He was going to cast this spell or whatever and draw out their elemental forces/deities/souls ..again..I don't know how to describe it and I was clinging to him begging him not to because I just -knew- he was going to be hurt. And thats the image I'm left with in my head for two days. Him and I just standing there with our arms wrapped around eachother. And the sense of belonging it creates in me. And I crave it and at the same time I hate it because, well, it reminds me of how hideously single I am - although its mostly by choice or rather the lack there of- and how I miss that companionship.

I remember that feeling all too well..and well..if you know me..you know from when and with whom and we wont discuss that because well, lets just say it'll worsen my already blah state of mind..

Last night I was restless because in my need to recreate the other dream I ended up jumbling images in my head and well, none of them made sense. But I'm sitting here two days later with that same feeling today. Oh well, life goes on.

In essense today finds me irritable, tired, lethargic and depressed. Yet I'm suppose to go to work, manage a bunch of teenages I'd rather hang most of the time and try to muddle through the night.

Did I mention I don't have any time off this week? Nice eh?

So this is the whine for the day, I'm hoping by the time bed time comes I'll be so worn out that I wont dream, or if I do I wont remember it. It's the ones I remember that make me crazy, the ones I leave behind with the night at sunrise well, they become what they should be..just a figment of my overactive imagination..

Ciao
-J

sometimes i really dislike people..

Okay so the word dislike might be a little weak for my frusterations with this one person, but ah well...you get the point..

Theres this fellow i work with who absolutey drives me insane! He treats everybody like hes better than them, he can't do anything wrong and hes usually the first person to point out when someone elses wrong but if that finger lands in his direction ohmyfuckinggod..it can't be!!

Hes condescending. He always criticizes me in my management of the restaurant when I close and because he doesn't show respect a few others decide not to either, because hes been there longer. WHOTHEFUCKCARES!! If he had wanted the job he could have taken it, but he chose not to so don't tell me how to do it. I do the best I can. I don't fight with the kids because it drains my energy when they're doing something wrong I tell them and make sure they know to do it right the next time. 'Nuff said. I'm not going to have a mind blowing arguement with a teenager sorry. I'm not a parent.

What really chafes though is hes a rat. Hes the biggest rat there is and hes always telling the daytime manager what I'm doing wrong so that when I come in I get told I'm doing it wrong etc etc..Yanno if I let the kids do some of thier closing chores a little earlier whoopie do. Seriously, as long as it gets done and it isn't disrupting the flow of things bugger off. I pick my battles. And the big ones that could land me without a job or the get the owner in trouble, I fight but I'm not going to nitpick. See above. I refuse to argue with a teenager, just as I'd refuse to argue with a child. The major things in the bigger picture get done.

And then I get told I'm going to hell by another guy. Oh that made me laugh. Apparently I'm going to hell because "God and Ala are at war overseas and God is losing" -rme- Where to begin, ah yes how about the fact that isn't Gods war, and it sure as hell aint Ala's. I'm sorry if fifty some soldiers or one overbearing head of government decides to pick a fight with another, just because one is "christian" - and I use this term loosely - and one is Muslin or whatever they call it, doesnt it make it a war proclaimed by either god. Its stupid men fighting over stupid soil. No religion involved accept for the fact that in all honesty, they claim they're believers in their faith. If I pick a fight with a JW - its me and that person, I don't drag my God into it. God didn't pick the fight. We did. Case closed. Nothing more to see here.

Secondly, I was told that I've ruined the lives of the children I taught the bible to some few years ago. Whelp. Thats a sorry ass point of view if ever there was one. Point in fact. People need faith. Who was it that said religion is the opiate of the masses? Well, all personal beliefs aside this is true. People need to believe in something. So you don't believe in god, you believe that the earth and all its inhabitants are the direct result of years of evolution - Then you believe in science. If you're athiest you believe in nothing, but you're still believing in something. If you're agnostic you can't make up your mind. I'd rather teach these kids to put their faith in a god of morals and justice than have them grow up and place their faith in 90% of the crap that's going on these days. The world is a scary ass place and you need a security blanket.

Point B - I said this once to a friend of mine and I'll say it again. I believe in God. I don't label my faith as being Christian or what not. I believe in Jesus. I believe in the teachings of the bible. I've placed my faith in it and yanno, its been tried tested and true - for myself. Besides wheres the harm? I learn to treat others as I want to be treated, I learn to love and forgive and not hold grudges. I learn that violence against another person is wrong. I learn to be happy with what I have and not long for something that is not mine. I learn contentment and hope. If I die tomorrow and there is no heaven and hell, I've lost nothing. But if there is, and I chose not to believe, then that leaves me with nothing.

All the good things on this earth cant follow you to the grave and when I die I want to be remembered as a good person, because its your memories you leave here that will last and the bible teaches us life lessons, good lessons and enriches our lives and makes us better people. And in all seriousness, I know I'm not perfect I don't always follow these things to a 'T' but I try. Its better than shrugging it off and pretending none of it exists.

Point C - its faith. Faith is the essense of belief in things not yet seen. If I knew there was a god, could prove it and believed then it wouldn't be faith. It takes strength of character to believe in something with your heart when you can't see it. No one can prove there is not God. And though I chose to believe there is thats me I can't force you into it so don't try and force me out of it. In my head and my heart it makes sense. And in the end if I'm wrong then I die and I don't know the difference. No harm done.

Thats my rant.

I think initially there was something else I wanted to say, but I can't remember it.

I think I need to raise my medication..

Last night was hell at work. It wasn't horrible in the sense of chaotic, but rather in the sense that there just didnt seem to be enough time to get anything done. I was there until 10:50 pm and not in bed until around 12:30 and up 7 hrs later. I know 7 hours is alot more than most get but when theres a three year old shoving you out of your bed at 4am and on its not pleasant.

Not only that but I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt I was here at home and we got invaded by some backwards russian/german country. Its the only way I can think of to describe them. But they brought us all captive to this damn near third world empoverished country where everything we ate and bought and to be monitored and shared out equally. Can we say communist? Anyway Ryan was starving and I was screaming at them because he wasn't getting his nourishment and everything they wouldnt let me see him, they just let him cry and it was breaking my heart.

-Until-

done done done. This guy, hell I don't even remember his face, but I knew him in the dream and we were close came over, took Ryan and I back here to Canada and even changed our identities and everything so we couldnt be hunted down and brought back to that other country.

Romance ensued.

Cheezey huh. What bothers me the most is not so much the theme but the remembrance of having my son cry for me and not being able to help him and that intimate feeling I experienced with the nameless faceless hero. You know how you just -click- and everything just feels right? T'is odd. But then again, so am I heh.

==========
And now a song thats been runnin through my head, that I've been roughly trying to put together with little luck..
==========

I've been trying to tell you something,
Can you hear me?
If you'd listen you'd see
exactly what I'm saying.

Without words I tell you every day
Just what you mean to me,
In all the little things I,
In about a million ways.
And if you could just hear me out
I know that you'd see
the one that you've been searching for
is here.
It's me.

I know you're feeling soul weary
and your tired has grown tired
of playing all these foolish games
that love plays with the heart,
Baby, I can be a place of rest,
Be anything you need.
I've been here all along,
I just wish that you could see.

Without words I tell you every day
Just what you mean to me,
In all the little things I do,
In about a million ways.
And if you could just hear me out
I know that you'd see
the one that you've been searching for
is here.
It's me.

Without words I tell you every day
Just what you mean to me,
In all the little things I,
In about a million ways.
And if you could just hear me out
I know that you'd see
the one that you've been searching for
is here.
It's me.

========

Bah so its not exactly how I wanted, actually it was a lot better a few days ago really when it was fresh in my mind but I do like the wording of the first verse bettah

Randomness

Well, I went to bed last night and Ryan stayed at my sisters. I think I almost cried. Sad isn't it? I mean seriously, I should have been relieved. And I did sleep well. But I think I get a little paranoid when hes not home and I miss him too much. It started in september when we were planning our visit I had fears of his dad taking him from me. And I guess I've never really shaken the fear that I'd lose him somehow. I pray everytime we travel for a safe flight. And Deep down its because I know that Ryan is the center of my world, he gives my life meaning, gives me something to live for and keeps me centered. And I know I'd fall apart were it not for him. So its scary sometimes. I love my little boy.

I had this running through my head yesterday, its a remake of an oldie but it fits how I feel lately and I have always loved this song, later if I can piece it together right I may post something I wrote myself. But for now, this is all ya get.
--------------------------

Genre/Lang. : R'n'B
Tony Sunshine:

Yea Yo Tony Sunshine Lumidee

Lumidee:
Listen baby I’ve been around
I know that you like how I wear my crown
I know that I'm sumthing' that's so profound
So far what I'm hearin' look I like the sound
Everybody's talkin' about it
We could be talkin' why would u doubt it
Ya palms are sweaty and ya heart starts poundin'
This is what yuh feelin' Tell meh about it !

Tony Sunshine: She's like the wind Thru my trees (baby yea. baby yea)
She rides at night Next to me Like u won’t believe (No)
She leads me thru moonlight Only to burn me wit the sun
Damn it I believe she knows She's takin' my heart
She doesn’t know what she's done
Baby please I feel her breath in my face (baby I can feel)
Her body close to me (her body close to me)
Can’t look in her eyes (can’t look in your eyes)
She's outta my league (she's outta my league, oh)
Just a fool to believe
She got everything I need She's like the wind

Lumidee:

If u can't conceive with nothing
Cause u just let it be its nothing
Look we just hangin' around
Sneakin' a look
When I can just put you down

Tony Sunshine: Girl I look in the mirror (what u see what u see)
And all I see (tell me what u see girl, tell u I can feel this baby)
Is a hell of a man with only a dream (ooo oh oh)
Am I just foolin' myself (yea)
Thinkin' she'll stop the pain (yes she will yes she will)
Livin' without her I'd go insane
Damn it I believe she knows
I Feel her breath on my face (baby I can feel)
Her body close to me (her body close, yes I do)
Can't look in her eyes (can't look in her eyes)
She's outta of my league (she's outta my league, oh)
Just a fool to believe She got everything I need
She's like the wind

Lumidee:
Look I’m right hea Come on toughen up
Boo get it togetha and just try ya luck
Eva since I heard that u got this little crush
I Pass ya way and it's givin' me a rush
So I peeped ya style Yes I’m impressed
Always wit the best Put dem otha dudes to rest
So u ain't got to stress cuz I got what ya need
I could ease ya pain and fulfill all ya dreams

Tony: Just a fool to believe She got everything I need (take dat)
I feel her breath in my face
Her body close to me (clap yo hands)
Can’t look in her eyes, no (yea)
She’s outta my league (move)
Just a fool to believe (Move)
She got everything I need
She’s like the wind

Lumidee: (Repeat 2x)
If u can't conceive with nothing
Cause u just let it be it's nothing
Look we just hangin' around
Sneakin' a look
When I can just put you down

Tony: Move Tony Sunshine Yea Take dat She’s like the wind