One Final Oorah

Its been almost a week now since your mom told me and I'm not entirely certain how I feel right now. Because none of this seems fair or real or right.

Callie thinks I'm hiding from my pain by being the rock which everyone else must stand on. And maybe I am but maybe thats because theres too much turmoil for me to face right now.

I keep thinking back to last month. It almost felt like all those years ago before the bottom fell out of our world and I had one last chance to hold you. But I didn't. I guess I didn't want to send any mixed messages because inspite of everything a part of me couldnt let go of that distance I put there between us, a distance that I felt was necessary for my own piece of mind.

I wonder though, did you really look. If you would have you would have seen that my heart was breaking just as much as yours was. I almost cried the entire way back to your moms house. Infact it took everything I could do not to.

I wish now that I would have. I wish alot of things lately. I wish I had been there more and maybe tried to rebuild a friendship with you so that you would have felt more grounded and maybe perhaps wouldnt have felt this was necessary.

You'd be amazed at the amount of broken hearts you left behind. Everytime I turn around theres another commentary on what a great friend and person you were. I wish you would have seen, and maybe realized because maybe then we wouldnt be hurting the way we are today.

Part of me is so angry at you that you would rip yourself out of Ryan's life like this. I havent told him yet because I want him to live with the belief that he has a father for a little bit longer, I want to extend to him that time that you denied him because it's going to break my heart when I break his for you. There were so many memories that you two still need to build and share and talks left for you to have. He'll be there at christmas and you wont be and its going to break his heart when he hears that he can't see his daddy. And a part of me, no matter how much I'm going to miss you, will never forgive you for that. He's only 3 and he needed you, I can't take that place you should have had and it wasn't right for you to deny him it.

Part of me is sad, because even though you and I had a real rough ride near the end, and inspite of everything that was said and done between us we had some really great times. And even though we werent together anymore it doesnt change the fact that 3 of the best years of my life were spent with you and when we split up a part of me left with you that I never got back. And now I never will because I carry those memories with me and everytime I even think of it I cry because we'll never have a chance to sit down and actually work through them. And I feel the loss so strongly sometimes that I have to block it because it blocks my ability to think.

You spent your entire life feeling as though you were unloved and wanted. Yet if this was the case there wouldnt be so many people crying for your loss right now. You step dad Bob was crying on the phone last night when I spoke to him. Do you have any idea what that did to me? What this is doing to him. And you're mom cried for an entire week when we couldnt find you, and it broke her heart when we did and shes still crying. And what about Dave and Cathy and Dillon and the countless others you reached across the piece of itty bitty metal and glass to and touched who are going to feel your absense the rest of thier life? The fact is you were loved. And you should have reached out to us when you felt that desperate because if you had we wouldnt be where we are today.

We're all going to miss you. And I hope that where ever you are you're happy and safe and found the peace you were looking for because if you haven't then all of this, all these tears all the heart ache everything, is for nothing.

Sliante Nic
I'll never forget you. And I wont let Ryan either.