Ups and downs of being me..

So to keep a long story short, I'm going to skip the what ifs and question marks regarding travas. We'll just say, of all the guys I dated, hes probably one of the better ones and of course, gone right through my fingers.

todays thoughts are a little more..darker..mind numbing and just bleh..

I think he's moved on. See this is me being happy for him ...haha..right..I am I just..I had hopes..and I guess thats all they are are hopes..Which sort of makes me ask "why do I bother anymore"

Dave - a new friend of mine, if he'll ever be more I've got no idea -got into the topic of marriage yesterday and I pretty much admitted to him something I've had bouncing around in my head the last week. Do I want married. Yes, sometime down the road hopefully, do I see it happening? No. Thats my life.

It just seems theres been at least 3 times I've seen that with clarity for me, and each and every one failed in their attempts somehow. Nic cheated, Jason forgot about me and now travas moved on. Scary to admit I could have seen that with him, but I did. And now? I don't see it at all. Back to quare one where again, I can see anything beyond today.

Relationships. Blah. I'm beginning to think my friend janine was right and I should just forget the entire concept all together. I seem to only find myself with the ones who play at wanting one and then when it comes to actual work they run. It leaves me feeling sort of used. I'd like for once to be the user I think. To just get what I want and leave.

My past has me in a state of mind to try the friend with benefits path. I don't know that I can since my sex drive n heart seem to intertwine and connect. I don't even know that I could get any fulfillment even from that part.

Which leaves exactly where? No idea. I'll let you know when I have it sorted though. Sometimes, I just really wish to not be me. To be someone else. Someone who doesn't care so much. Doesnt hurt so easily. And just looks out for me.