summation

"don't go away, say that you'll stay. Say that you'll stay, forever and a day. In that time of my life. Cuz I need more time, I need more time just to make things right.."
-----------------------------
I can't begin to describe the way I've felt in these last few weeks coping with his loss. I can barely even still bring myself to talk about it, its so much easier not to do so, to put in the back of my mind and carry on like it never happened. The hardest part of it all was telling Ryan. Its not something any parent should ever have to explain to thier child. He asked if he could go see his Dad at christmas, and I had to explain to him that he couldnt. It was hard very very hard and theres always going to be a part of me that resents him for leaving me to do that.

The thing is, I've got so many issues with this whole thing. And thats exactly what they are "issues". I hadnt spoken to him in two years and there is a part of me that feels that maybe I could have changed the outcome had been more open or receptive to talking with him, if I hadn't cut him out entirely as I felt I needed to.

Even as I'm writing this I'm aware of the conflicts this subject causes me. All the wishing and the could have should have and would haves. But even I know the truth of it is that I couldnt have saved him. Only he could do that and he didnt want to. So that brings to the one thing thats been eating away at me "WHY" and its driving me insane. I want to know why he felt so compelled to do this, why he felt he had no other options. Why? I want to scream it at him at the very top of my lungs and I can't because he isn't here to do so. I want to email him or bug him on msn or something to explain it all to me. I want to berate him and kick and slap him until I fall on the floor crying but I can't and leaves me feeling I dunno. Lost I guess.

I don't know how to put any of this behind me. So I don't talk about it. As I said I put in the back of my mind and hope that one day I'll forget. I can't even discuss it with his mom because I don't like talking about it at all. period.

I was told yesterday that I look sad all the time now. And maybe I do. I don't know. I feel as if I've been living under a fog since that wednesday night. I can barely function and when it it's routine things. I can act as though I'm fine but deep down I know I'm not and I don't even have the words to express it.

How do you say good bye to someone who ment so much to you? Especially when you know that were not for them you wouldnt be asking yourself this question. He was the father of my only child, he was a Master, he was a friend and someone I always knew I could be honest with. He was my fiance, my confident and my champion. It was intense and insane and if I could do over again I know I would. But maybe this time I'd take the time to appreciate him and give him the time I couldn't allow him this time around.

We all carry on our lives as though its just another day. But its there in the back our minds - especially those who knew him and loved him as much as I did. And deep down I want to make it all go away I think. I faced my brothers death, my grandfathers, my aunts and everything. And I was stoic. I wrote the eulogy's. I was the rock every leaned on. And I'm trying to be that now but deep inside I want it all to go away. I want to deny that its happened and act as though he'll come up on my msn tomorrow. I want to go back three years and relive it all again, when it was easier and when we had all the time in the world and we were so in love and it was all that mattered. But I can't. And I'm lost.

So for any of you who are wondering. Thats me. I'm not insensitive. I'm numb. I can't face it and I probably wont until next month. And even then I'll find something to hide behind.

Its probably going to be last I'll write on this too. But I had to let it out somewhere.
---------------

Go Easy Nic. I never had the chance to tell you, but i forgive you. And yes even now I still care. I hope you find what happiness you needed here but couldnt find.