If there a way to infiltrate you, sway your mind and complicate you, im going to crash into your world and thats no lie!

Its in my head. I'm feeling a little frusterated this morning. I just dont understand how people can be so duplicitious. On the one hand, I have guy who flat out tells me that "we're better off being only friends" yeah, we all know who this is...and then wants me to be fodder so he can get his rocks off..sorry ..no..I have my pride. And it wont keep me warm at night, but you know what? I deserve better. I know I do. And I know who and what I am. Theres nothing manly about a double standard, its just out and out bullshit. Which I'm getting too old and tired for. No matter that he's adorable and I'll always have a soft spot for him.

And then the other. You know you can't use the context friend with benefits if you're not active on the friendship part. I don't think. I really don't that there are any rules to that, and I'm ok I think with just getting my kicks every so often but I do demand a certain level of respect. Or at least consideration.

So..now onto the song for the mood today..

"I have a dream to take you over, exploding like a super nova, gonna crash into your world and thats no lie"

You know some days I would just love, LOVE, to have this person come. Somedays I need to be violated, dominated and just totally owned. And maybe thats the biggest issue i'm facing. if I'm going to completely and totally belong to someone shouldnt they want to completely and totally own me too? Thats my problem. I want someone who wants me just as much as I want them. I can give 150% to a relationship. sometimes I'm sure its more. I can, I have and I do. Because I can't do half way. I can't. I just simply don't know how. But in todays world theres just no equality in relationships anymore. Everyone is too busy looking out for #1, and me I dont know how. I'm a people pleaser. I like to make people happy. Infact, I'm happiest when I'm doing something for someone I care about, but at some point there has to be a return. So I'm not completely altruistic, but it isnt right that my thoughts/feelings/needs go overlooked while I'm bending over backwards to satisfy the people I care about, and if they care about me too, then they should care about my happiness as well. And the worst part is, its silly. It really is, because you know what? I'm not that complicated to please. I like affection. I like to cuddle/hold hands and do mushy sappy things. I like to talk and occassionally all I really need is someone who understands or is at least willing to listen.

And theres my next ranty rant. I've been really, I don't know moody lately? And I have a billion and one things flying around in my head each day, sometimes more, no joke. And lately, I just dont feel like I have anyone to talk to. Or anyone that really listens. So it bounces around and just depresses me. I bottle it, lock it up and it becomes internal and most often self depreciating.

Dad and I had a discussion the other day, about life and how I'm no where closer to where I want to be than when I started. Turning 30 next month and I'm still living at home, working what I feel is a dead end job and barely making ends meet. And its frusterating. I don't want anything big, what I want is independance and watching everyone else succeed where I fail is disheartening. It eats at me. Because I work hard, I don't slack, and I feel like it gets me nowhere. I just can't help but wonder where the pay off is.

In the meantime, theres my whine for today.

Random

So, I've fallen into the trap again. My subbie princess is rearing her ugly little head and I have that itch. The one that wants to be told what to do, that aims to please, and the itch to be hurt I think is really only to exercise some demons of mine. I've been craving it really badly. Which brings me to dave.



Dave is pretty cool, I have to say it. He makes me laugh. Hes into all the things I'm into. And some new ones and so, I don't know. I have opportunity to try him out, but I'm scared. Theres a huge bond that can develope between a submissive and her dominant/slave and her master. For me specifically, the intimacy and vulnerability tend to tie really tightly to eachother. I want it. I can't deny that I don't but I don't know that I'm ready or willing to tie myself to someone that intensely...i just don't know

Its more than that too..Dave is odd. He makes me laugh yes..but hes admitted he doesnt see how a relationship with me could work given the distance..and yet hes mentioned once or twice about taking me on as his submissive..because he knows I'll do it maybe? his exact words were "what an intensely intimate way to get to know you"..which brings me back to the bond..

At this point neither have settled and we're both still looking..I think sometimes I could fall for him if I let myself, and then I ignore it and remind myself about the three hour distance btwn us, our kids and conflicting responsibilities..So I don't know..again I'm distancing myself..

But it does make me rethink Travas and I. I mentioned it to Dave the last time we actually talked (2 nights ago) about how I think I scared him. I think my bendy moldy willing side sent him running and maybe my sex drive intimidated him, maybe he was worried with as high geared as it can be that I'd run to someone else when he was out of town. Guys don't get it..

So onto last night. Amazing. Fucking beautiful is what it was, and what was it? A post reflecting exactly how I feel at heart about my submission by a Master in TX. WOW. It was more about how he viewed a slave/heart of the slave and everything within and that is in a nutshell me. He speaks of a true slave as someone who belongs to another person more so than being owned by another.

Ownership is grand but in all my relationships, failed as they may have been, I have belonged to each of my partners which is why there is such a huge gap between my relationships. You cannot just give yourself to the wrong person heart and soul and bounce back. It requires time and healing. And in essense that is what I've been doing. Giving myself to the wrong people because quite honestly I don't know how not to. I may or may not dive further into this is the next series of entries. I do know that I need to write more. There are thoughts bouncing around in my head, makes it hard to think clear. And make the wise choice.

Ups and downs of being me..

So to keep a long story short, I'm going to skip the what ifs and question marks regarding travas. We'll just say, of all the guys I dated, hes probably one of the better ones and of course, gone right through my fingers.

todays thoughts are a little more..darker..mind numbing and just bleh..

I think he's moved on. See this is me being happy for him ...haha..right..I am I just..I had hopes..and I guess thats all they are are hopes..Which sort of makes me ask "why do I bother anymore"

Dave - a new friend of mine, if he'll ever be more I've got no idea -got into the topic of marriage yesterday and I pretty much admitted to him something I've had bouncing around in my head the last week. Do I want married. Yes, sometime down the road hopefully, do I see it happening? No. Thats my life.

It just seems theres been at least 3 times I've seen that with clarity for me, and each and every one failed in their attempts somehow. Nic cheated, Jason forgot about me and now travas moved on. Scary to admit I could have seen that with him, but I did. And now? I don't see it at all. Back to quare one where again, I can see anything beyond today.

Relationships. Blah. I'm beginning to think my friend janine was right and I should just forget the entire concept all together. I seem to only find myself with the ones who play at wanting one and then when it comes to actual work they run. It leaves me feeling sort of used. I'd like for once to be the user I think. To just get what I want and leave.

My past has me in a state of mind to try the friend with benefits path. I don't know that I can since my sex drive n heart seem to intertwine and connect. I don't even know that I could get any fulfillment even from that part.

Which leaves exactly where? No idea. I'll let you know when I have it sorted though. Sometimes, I just really wish to not be me. To be someone else. Someone who doesn't care so much. Doesnt hurt so easily. And just looks out for me.