updates finally

So I know I haven't written in a while. I havent been on much though so I'm hoping I'm forgiven. Nothing really new has happened. Dad and I are talking again. I guess he realized the truth in what I was saying. He's even evened out his generosity amongst the little people which is even better.

I finally have another weekend off. I dont have to work next saturday and I have a four day vacation coming this summer as well. YAY!! Other than that I'm a slave to my job because too many people require money from (osap mainly). I'm getting smart though and keeping a record of confirmation numbers to verify all of my payments. I'm simply not taking any more shyte from them. I'm somehow managing to pay them 100/month so they can just bugger off. They've gotten 275 dollars in payments from me thus far. So they can stick their cheques where the sun dont shine.

Having my strange dreams again. I vaguely remember the church being in it. As well as him and a tattoo that becomes a bracelet when worn eh? dont ask lol. I have no explanations for them accept that I'm - if not officially or clinically proven- quite crazy lol.

Thanks to the fashion industry I get to work even harder at my weight loss attempts. What used to fit no longer does. from a 15 to a 16 and I havent even eaten anything fatty. I think I'm gonna cry. So I bet you're asking how I know its the designer and not me? Welp I have a pair of pants currently with a 15 waist that still fit - but the new ones I bought for work so I wouldnt have to wear them (because they were like 40$ and I dont want them wrecked) do not. Death to the fashion industry. We are not all of us anorexic. I've gotten 3 pairs in the last month that I've had to return. DIE BASTARDS DIE!!

Off to the work sessions again this week. I wonder what we'll be doing then. Hmm.

Anyway I think thats it. Wish me luck on sunday winnings! I'll put it on the credit card! or at least half and then I'll split the other between the student loans. If I win big anyway. I'm playing Bingo again sunday.

Ciao.

quickie before work

Well, its been an eventful and very long week. I'm uber tired. And thats an understatement.
Dad and I had a huge arguement on monday night about his priorities and how fucked up they are. I basically blasted him out for playing favorites - I'm pretty sure he means well by it all but still we all know about the best intentions , the road to hell is paved with them- hes got this issue of trying to take care of people. He likes to feel needed and one of my siblings has a big issue with relying on that too much. So in essence he does little things like providing snack foods for her kids before bed, buying medicines, loaning money etc. But in his hurry to be sure the kids are taken care of hes got like 4 other grandchildren that hes neglecting. And I bitched him out for that. That and his less than fatherly behaviour toward another of my siblings. See, a few years back , before my bro passed on my dad and him had it out and my dad out and out disowned him. We tried but well, he wouldnt speak to my brother and refused to. My brother died at the age of 25 without having made up with my dad and his conscience is guilt ridden over it. And now I see him - albiet unknowingly *i hope*- making the same mistake. It makes me wanna pull my hair out. Besides this I'm stuck in the middle and I hear it all from both ends and its frusterating.

On the other hand its been work work work and dealing with collections BS. I'm speaking to our MPP tomorrow to kick some sense into these idiots whom are bickering because I wont send them a piece of paper with my acct info. Sorry no one but me gets access to my bank accts. I've seen others screwed around like that before.

Boss posted the schedule for next week. Yet another saturday of work. I'm soooo tired of my job at this point. The only reason I'm hanging in is because I'm hoping for management position come september.

Other than this life is its usual line of monotony.

Think thats it. Peace out y0!

karma

for the last little while i've wondered constantly over the generosity i show to those around me and often in frustration (usually when remembering what little funds i've left over from cheque) I think to myself -'Am I ever gonna have my generosity rewarded?' - this is not to say that I'm generous and kind with the expectation of being rewarded but that occassionally, when depressed over my finances i look at what i have and what i have shared and I can't help but think 'when is it my turn' because I'm financially frustrated.

Well, last night, my sister and I were playing TV Bingo and she won the final round - the prize being 800$-and even though she didnt have to, she shared her winnings and I think its because she knows I would have shared with her. So I'm sitting with an extra 200 in my pocket today.

Thank you karma, thank you Jesus, thank you God and Thank you Cathy. Its nice to see that kindness doesnt always go unrewarded.

I also took Ryan to the movies yesterday. I think he enjoyed it immensely so we're going to make it a bi-weekly treat quality time slot so that him and I arent always at home when I'm not working.

eh i dont have a title for this because i'm too sleepy to be creative.

I think I've reached my turning point. For the last little while I've been striving for some form of equilibrium and contentment but somethings always come along to fuck it up for me. I think though I've made my first step.

I think that as we age and mature theres always some part of our past that we linger over that we keep looking back to that prevents us from moving forward and i think finally i'm ready to let that part go.

I realized something while I was laying in bed last night in my state of half wakefulness and its readied me for my future. Lets face it. I'm 25 years old and its time to move foreward I'm not getting any younger. The realization was that I just simply dont need that part of my history anymore. Its been sitting in the back of my head for years and for some reason I held on to it. But last night ..I just let go..something changed. I really dunno how to explain it.

I'm happy..well okay not exactly 'happy' but I'm ready to be content and work toward my future instead of only living in momentariness.

YAY for changes!

On another note it would seem my federal student loan has been passed to the same collection agency my other is currently at. Its such a pain. I have to fill out this financial questionaire thinger mabob to start making payments. -rme-

Can't these people just accept the fact that I'm poor?

Tomorrow I'm taking ryan to see curious george the movie. I'm hoping he'll sit still.

Anywho I think thats it for now. Ciao.

mondays are from the devil

Well its been a slow rest filled weekend. Sorta. Yesterday consisted of a ton of housework and last night a huge lack of sleep. I ended up cramping my neck and suffering from a toothache at the same time but was too tired and lazy to get up to do anything about it.

Back to the millstone today. Talk to the boss about some summer time off. Geez I'm tired.

Ryan's gone to my sisters again to play. She said she'd babysit today because the other sister has an apt - I guess with a doctor.

Feeling a little rattled. Its amazing how easy that happens these days. I prefer my ignorance most of the time now but at least hes okay.

Umm I think thats bout it. Sleepy and only 10% coherant.

Good morning people - go back to bed!!

Ciao.

the silence gets us no where..

Whelp skipping the sunday work out today because my female body has decided it hates me. -wrinkles nose- its days like these when I have a hard time remembering why I stopped taking the needle.

Umm..Hmm ..Ryan is with the sitter/sister because well, he wanted to go play at 'cack's house' and so hes been gone for a few hours now. House is slowly getting cleaned. But I'm icky so I'm taking my time.

Work is driving me crazy. Sister bitches about the boss at me, the boss bitches about the sister at me. Boss is bitchy. (Boss=Female Boss type person). I get to work the next two weekends in the row. -rme- and umm jus blech.

I'm feeling Marital. One of my buddies from work is getting married and I've had the honor of helping her pick out invite patterns, wedding favors and arches and stuff. I feel so special! Its nice.

Umm I really dont have much to say today I'm still kinna dead to the world. The brain is in bed and body is well, the body needs to be shot.

So I'ma scoot. Ciao.

ugh

half an hour to go and i'll be on the bus to work. I dont wanna! I'm so tired this morning its not even funny. And I slept decently and everything I just dont feel rested. Thankfully I have two days off this week. My moods kinna blech too. Not depressed just not I dunno. I'm kinna grumpy. lol. See above.

Dads complaining again. I wish he'd stop I wanna thump him sometimes because theres always -something-.

Eh well, I'm off work early tonite. Theres a happy thought. Is it 6:30 yet? God I'm tired.

Umm I really dont have much to say today. Take care ya'll.

Ciao

the test - fairly accurate

CREATOR.
You are a CreatorYour imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a creator:
You are independent, and you enjoy your self-sufficiency.Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.The look of things is important to you, and you have a keen eye for aesthetic beauty in multiple arenas.You have a strong interest in what is new and exciting—and that includes forging ahead with new ideas, not simply discovering what is already out there.Your eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations.You're not set on one way of doing things, and you are creative when it comes to finding novel solutions to complex problems.You trust yourself to be innovative and resourceful.Your confidence allows you to take your general awareness and channel it into creativity.You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:
Appreciate the earthly, practical elements of things—there is beauty in form as well.While you are good at thinking abstractly, focusing on details a bit more may help you discover things about the world.

How You Relate to Others:
You are Concerned -Your understanding of others' emotions, your sense of right and wrong, and your skeptical nature make you Concerned.

CONCERNED.
Your observations of your environment, in concert with your clearly defined worldview, leads you to be aware of the feelings of others.Because you can read people well, and because you can understand their feelings, you are often bothered by others' insensitive behavior.While you appreciate others' emotional nature, you don't think their emotional concerns should take precedence over their obligations to society.You prefer to be in smaller groups, as big groups can often get out of hand.Order and structure are somewhat important to you—you believe that people's feelings are better protected when others are respectful and follow certain societal guidelines.You tend to share your feelings with a few individuals who are close with you, but otherwise you are a private person.

If you want to be different:
Let your caring nature allow you to put more trust in people in general—you can have more faith in them without losing your valuable skepticism.

yet another strange dream.

I was somehow in the states again and with him and we were shopping for ryan, the only reason i went in the dream but then we actually started to get along for a bit. Somewhere along the line that changed and we were fighting again, I was on my way to leave and he said something which upset and replied back in kind. It was very very strange because the scenario fit so well. It was just typical i guess. I dunno i chalk it up to my talk with my mom last nite.

A friend of mine is getting married and we got to the topic of how i almost made it there myself, and she stated -'now arent you glad you didn't'- I get the same response from everyone I know and yet I think I'm not glad because if things had worked out maybe the ending would have been different? Its hard to know. But anyway, this was the cause for my weird dream which has me in an equally odd mood.

Work is going well. Last night went on without anything of much irritation with the exception of a pushy customer being a pain in the ass. Sorry if I didnt jump at your fries right away buddy, you're not the only one at the counter and I'm trying to take care of 5 orders at the same time. -kix him-

Eh I'm not too bad I guess. Tired still .Pensive too. I hate getting thoughtful though because well, it usually ends up with me being depressed because i end up thinking about all the things I shouldnt be.

Love to my people.

Ciao