If there a way to infiltrate you, sway your mind and complicate you, im going to crash into your world and thats no lie!
Its in my head. I'm feeling a little frusterated this morning. I just dont understand how people can be so duplicitious. On the one hand, I have guy who flat out tells me that "we're better off being only friends" yeah, we all know who this is...and then wants me to be fodder so he can get his rocks off..sorry ..no..I have my pride. And it wont keep me warm at night, but you know what? I deserve better. I know I do. And I know who and what I am. Theres nothing manly about a double standard, its just out and out bullshit. Which I'm getting too old and tired for. No matter that he's adorable and I'll always have a soft spot for him.
And then the other. You know you can't use the context friend with benefits if you're not active on the friendship part. I don't think. I really don't that there are any rules to that, and I'm ok I think with just getting my kicks every so often but I do demand a certain level of respect. Or at least consideration.
So..now onto the song for the mood today..
"I have a dream to take you over, exploding like a super nova, gonna crash into your world and thats no lie"
You know some days I would just love, LOVE, to have this person come. Somedays I need to be violated, dominated and just totally owned. And maybe thats the biggest issue i'm facing. if I'm going to completely and totally belong to someone shouldnt they want to completely and totally own me too? Thats my problem. I want someone who wants me just as much as I want them. I can give 150% to a relationship. sometimes I'm sure its more. I can, I have and I do. Because I can't do half way. I can't. I just simply don't know how. But in todays world theres just no equality in relationships anymore. Everyone is too busy looking out for #1, and me I dont know how. I'm a people pleaser. I like to make people happy. Infact, I'm happiest when I'm doing something for someone I care about, but at some point there has to be a return. So I'm not completely altruistic, but it isnt right that my thoughts/feelings/needs go overlooked while I'm bending over backwards to satisfy the people I care about, and if they care about me too, then they should care about my happiness as well. And the worst part is, its silly. It really is, because you know what? I'm not that complicated to please. I like affection. I like to cuddle/hold hands and do mushy sappy things. I like to talk and occassionally all I really need is someone who understands or is at least willing to listen.
And theres my next ranty rant. I've been really, I don't know moody lately? And I have a billion and one things flying around in my head each day, sometimes more, no joke. And lately, I just dont feel like I have anyone to talk to. Or anyone that really listens. So it bounces around and just depresses me. I bottle it, lock it up and it becomes internal and most often self depreciating.
Dad and I had a discussion the other day, about life and how I'm no where closer to where I want to be than when I started. Turning 30 next month and I'm still living at home, working what I feel is a dead end job and barely making ends meet. And its frusterating. I don't want anything big, what I want is independance and watching everyone else succeed where I fail is disheartening. It eats at me. Because I work hard, I don't slack, and I feel like it gets me nowhere. I just can't help but wonder where the pay off is.
In the meantime, theres my whine for today.
And then the other. You know you can't use the context friend with benefits if you're not active on the friendship part. I don't think. I really don't that there are any rules to that, and I'm ok I think with just getting my kicks every so often but I do demand a certain level of respect. Or at least consideration.
So..now onto the song for the mood today..
"I have a dream to take you over, exploding like a super nova, gonna crash into your world and thats no lie"
You know some days I would just love, LOVE, to have this person come. Somedays I need to be violated, dominated and just totally owned. And maybe thats the biggest issue i'm facing. if I'm going to completely and totally belong to someone shouldnt they want to completely and totally own me too? Thats my problem. I want someone who wants me just as much as I want them. I can give 150% to a relationship. sometimes I'm sure its more. I can, I have and I do. Because I can't do half way. I can't. I just simply don't know how. But in todays world theres just no equality in relationships anymore. Everyone is too busy looking out for #1, and me I dont know how. I'm a people pleaser. I like to make people happy. Infact, I'm happiest when I'm doing something for someone I care about, but at some point there has to be a return. So I'm not completely altruistic, but it isnt right that my thoughts/feelings/needs go overlooked while I'm bending over backwards to satisfy the people I care about, and if they care about me too, then they should care about my happiness as well. And the worst part is, its silly. It really is, because you know what? I'm not that complicated to please. I like affection. I like to cuddle/hold hands and do mushy sappy things. I like to talk and occassionally all I really need is someone who understands or is at least willing to listen.
And theres my next ranty rant. I've been really, I don't know moody lately? And I have a billion and one things flying around in my head each day, sometimes more, no joke. And lately, I just dont feel like I have anyone to talk to. Or anyone that really listens. So it bounces around and just depresses me. I bottle it, lock it up and it becomes internal and most often self depreciating.
Dad and I had a discussion the other day, about life and how I'm no where closer to where I want to be than when I started. Turning 30 next month and I'm still living at home, working what I feel is a dead end job and barely making ends meet. And its frusterating. I don't want anything big, what I want is independance and watching everyone else succeed where I fail is disheartening. It eats at me. Because I work hard, I don't slack, and I feel like it gets me nowhere. I just can't help but wonder where the pay off is.
In the meantime, theres my whine for today.
posted by that.joji.gurl. at
11:12 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home