Random

So, I've fallen into the trap again. My subbie princess is rearing her ugly little head and I have that itch. The one that wants to be told what to do, that aims to please, and the itch to be hurt I think is really only to exercise some demons of mine. I've been craving it really badly. Which brings me to dave.



Dave is pretty cool, I have to say it. He makes me laugh. Hes into all the things I'm into. And some new ones and so, I don't know. I have opportunity to try him out, but I'm scared. Theres a huge bond that can develope between a submissive and her dominant/slave and her master. For me specifically, the intimacy and vulnerability tend to tie really tightly to eachother. I want it. I can't deny that I don't but I don't know that I'm ready or willing to tie myself to someone that intensely...i just don't know

Its more than that too..Dave is odd. He makes me laugh yes..but hes admitted he doesnt see how a relationship with me could work given the distance..and yet hes mentioned once or twice about taking me on as his submissive..because he knows I'll do it maybe? his exact words were "what an intensely intimate way to get to know you"..which brings me back to the bond..

At this point neither have settled and we're both still looking..I think sometimes I could fall for him if I let myself, and then I ignore it and remind myself about the three hour distance btwn us, our kids and conflicting responsibilities..So I don't know..again I'm distancing myself..

But it does make me rethink Travas and I. I mentioned it to Dave the last time we actually talked (2 nights ago) about how I think I scared him. I think my bendy moldy willing side sent him running and maybe my sex drive intimidated him, maybe he was worried with as high geared as it can be that I'd run to someone else when he was out of town. Guys don't get it..

So onto last night. Amazing. Fucking beautiful is what it was, and what was it? A post reflecting exactly how I feel at heart about my submission by a Master in TX. WOW. It was more about how he viewed a slave/heart of the slave and everything within and that is in a nutshell me. He speaks of a true slave as someone who belongs to another person more so than being owned by another.

Ownership is grand but in all my relationships, failed as they may have been, I have belonged to each of my partners which is why there is such a huge gap between my relationships. You cannot just give yourself to the wrong person heart and soul and bounce back. It requires time and healing. And in essense that is what I've been doing. Giving myself to the wrong people because quite honestly I don't know how not to. I may or may not dive further into this is the next series of entries. I do know that I need to write more. There are thoughts bouncing around in my head, makes it hard to think clear. And make the wise choice.