If there a way to infiltrate you, sway your mind and complicate you, im going to crash into your world and thats no lie!

Its in my head. I'm feeling a little frusterated this morning. I just dont understand how people can be so duplicitious. On the one hand, I have guy who flat out tells me that "we're better off being only friends" yeah, we all know who this is...and then wants me to be fodder so he can get his rocks off..sorry ..no..I have my pride. And it wont keep me warm at night, but you know what? I deserve better. I know I do. And I know who and what I am. Theres nothing manly about a double standard, its just out and out bullshit. Which I'm getting too old and tired for. No matter that he's adorable and I'll always have a soft spot for him.

And then the other. You know you can't use the context friend with benefits if you're not active on the friendship part. I don't think. I really don't that there are any rules to that, and I'm ok I think with just getting my kicks every so often but I do demand a certain level of respect. Or at least consideration.

So..now onto the song for the mood today..

"I have a dream to take you over, exploding like a super nova, gonna crash into your world and thats no lie"

You know some days I would just love, LOVE, to have this person come. Somedays I need to be violated, dominated and just totally owned. And maybe thats the biggest issue i'm facing. if I'm going to completely and totally belong to someone shouldnt they want to completely and totally own me too? Thats my problem. I want someone who wants me just as much as I want them. I can give 150% to a relationship. sometimes I'm sure its more. I can, I have and I do. Because I can't do half way. I can't. I just simply don't know how. But in todays world theres just no equality in relationships anymore. Everyone is too busy looking out for #1, and me I dont know how. I'm a people pleaser. I like to make people happy. Infact, I'm happiest when I'm doing something for someone I care about, but at some point there has to be a return. So I'm not completely altruistic, but it isnt right that my thoughts/feelings/needs go overlooked while I'm bending over backwards to satisfy the people I care about, and if they care about me too, then they should care about my happiness as well. And the worst part is, its silly. It really is, because you know what? I'm not that complicated to please. I like affection. I like to cuddle/hold hands and do mushy sappy things. I like to talk and occassionally all I really need is someone who understands or is at least willing to listen.

And theres my next ranty rant. I've been really, I don't know moody lately? And I have a billion and one things flying around in my head each day, sometimes more, no joke. And lately, I just dont feel like I have anyone to talk to. Or anyone that really listens. So it bounces around and just depresses me. I bottle it, lock it up and it becomes internal and most often self depreciating.

Dad and I had a discussion the other day, about life and how I'm no where closer to where I want to be than when I started. Turning 30 next month and I'm still living at home, working what I feel is a dead end job and barely making ends meet. And its frusterating. I don't want anything big, what I want is independance and watching everyone else succeed where I fail is disheartening. It eats at me. Because I work hard, I don't slack, and I feel like it gets me nowhere. I just can't help but wonder where the pay off is.

In the meantime, theres my whine for today.

Random

So, I've fallen into the trap again. My subbie princess is rearing her ugly little head and I have that itch. The one that wants to be told what to do, that aims to please, and the itch to be hurt I think is really only to exercise some demons of mine. I've been craving it really badly. Which brings me to dave.



Dave is pretty cool, I have to say it. He makes me laugh. Hes into all the things I'm into. And some new ones and so, I don't know. I have opportunity to try him out, but I'm scared. Theres a huge bond that can develope between a submissive and her dominant/slave and her master. For me specifically, the intimacy and vulnerability tend to tie really tightly to eachother. I want it. I can't deny that I don't but I don't know that I'm ready or willing to tie myself to someone that intensely...i just don't know

Its more than that too..Dave is odd. He makes me laugh yes..but hes admitted he doesnt see how a relationship with me could work given the distance..and yet hes mentioned once or twice about taking me on as his submissive..because he knows I'll do it maybe? his exact words were "what an intensely intimate way to get to know you"..which brings me back to the bond..

At this point neither have settled and we're both still looking..I think sometimes I could fall for him if I let myself, and then I ignore it and remind myself about the three hour distance btwn us, our kids and conflicting responsibilities..So I don't know..again I'm distancing myself..

But it does make me rethink Travas and I. I mentioned it to Dave the last time we actually talked (2 nights ago) about how I think I scared him. I think my bendy moldy willing side sent him running and maybe my sex drive intimidated him, maybe he was worried with as high geared as it can be that I'd run to someone else when he was out of town. Guys don't get it..

So onto last night. Amazing. Fucking beautiful is what it was, and what was it? A post reflecting exactly how I feel at heart about my submission by a Master in TX. WOW. It was more about how he viewed a slave/heart of the slave and everything within and that is in a nutshell me. He speaks of a true slave as someone who belongs to another person more so than being owned by another.

Ownership is grand but in all my relationships, failed as they may have been, I have belonged to each of my partners which is why there is such a huge gap between my relationships. You cannot just give yourself to the wrong person heart and soul and bounce back. It requires time and healing. And in essense that is what I've been doing. Giving myself to the wrong people because quite honestly I don't know how not to. I may or may not dive further into this is the next series of entries. I do know that I need to write more. There are thoughts bouncing around in my head, makes it hard to think clear. And make the wise choice.

Ups and downs of being me..

So to keep a long story short, I'm going to skip the what ifs and question marks regarding travas. We'll just say, of all the guys I dated, hes probably one of the better ones and of course, gone right through my fingers.

todays thoughts are a little more..darker..mind numbing and just bleh..

I think he's moved on. See this is me being happy for him ...haha..right..I am I just..I had hopes..and I guess thats all they are are hopes..Which sort of makes me ask "why do I bother anymore"

Dave - a new friend of mine, if he'll ever be more I've got no idea -got into the topic of marriage yesterday and I pretty much admitted to him something I've had bouncing around in my head the last week. Do I want married. Yes, sometime down the road hopefully, do I see it happening? No. Thats my life.

It just seems theres been at least 3 times I've seen that with clarity for me, and each and every one failed in their attempts somehow. Nic cheated, Jason forgot about me and now travas moved on. Scary to admit I could have seen that with him, but I did. And now? I don't see it at all. Back to quare one where again, I can see anything beyond today.

Relationships. Blah. I'm beginning to think my friend janine was right and I should just forget the entire concept all together. I seem to only find myself with the ones who play at wanting one and then when it comes to actual work they run. It leaves me feeling sort of used. I'd like for once to be the user I think. To just get what I want and leave.

My past has me in a state of mind to try the friend with benefits path. I don't know that I can since my sex drive n heart seem to intertwine and connect. I don't even know that I could get any fulfillment even from that part.

Which leaves exactly where? No idea. I'll let you know when I have it sorted though. Sometimes, I just really wish to not be me. To be someone else. Someone who doesn't care so much. Doesnt hurt so easily. And just looks out for me.

updates..much needed updates..

So its been too long since I've written in here and its time to start again. I need somewhere to release all this ..whatever it is..thats been dragging me down. And I mean really down. Its like the post Nic roller coaster all the time. Who needs an amusement park when my emotions provide all the ups and downs they do right?

So quick recap:
Shane: Nice guy. Great guy. Not it. There was a lot of maturity lacking there. Too clingy. Too needy. Didnt work. I think all in all it was just way too soon. Too much too fast.

Travas: omfg. This is where my roller coaster comes in. And there will be more as I get to writing in here. Sweetest guy I've met in years. Havent felt like this since Jason. For any of you who know the history its just.Wow. Well over six years since I've cared this much for someone. But he's got baggage he's dealing with. And because he's the male version of me he doesnt want to burden me or hurt me by it. So we're done. A decision I wish I could back and redo. Theres alot of what-ifs and questions on this one.

Travas is a single parent. Recently separated who had to deal with similar issues regarding his relationship that I endured with Nic. But without all the cheating. Without all the lies. Really he and his wife were just really ill matched. Incredibly so.

So a year later he meets me. And lets face it, we all know what I'm like. Too nice for my own good. Wanting to take on the world for those I love. Big white knight complex right? Thats me. And we click. We click because I have a good idea of what he's going through. Not that the situations were the same but lets face it, when the first real love of your life lets you down it hurts. And he's a bleeding heart like me. Takes everything way to personally.

So we fall, or rather I do - not intentionally I swear after shane I did not want to get attatched - and he starts to, panics, then runs. Nice!

So this is where the what-ifs and roller coasters come in. For the sake of complete honesty here, I think I could have salvaged this. But I was too lost in my own chaos to acknowledge that he was reaching out and my brilliant response "do you need some space" . Brilliant right? Good job Pamela! I havent hated myself so much for that comment as I have in a long time. Could have should have would have. I hate all three.

So now we're 'friends'. But this friend is having issues. Alot in the last month. And there will be more on that too in my next entry because I feel honestly, that there will tons more because as I said I need somewhere to put all this, to let it out, and get it out of my head. Because honestly, the clammoring of all those little voices, is making it hard to think straight.

ciao

-insert witty, intellegent, and fitting title here-

Its been too long since I've written in this dumb thing. -lol- But I've been busy and just not had anything important to write. Mostly working myself into an early grave pretty much, but oh well, money is money and everylittle bit helps.

Every now and then I find myself thinkin of Nic again and while its not exactly unwelcome its strange. When he was still around it was easier to let things slide and just move on with my life, and now that hes gone I think about him and even miss him more than I did while he was alive.

I still find it hard to talk about it. I hardly do actually because its simpler not to. And it goes with everything else I believe about Death. Theres nothing you can do to change it, you cry, rage and shut yourself away for ever but there isnt anything you can do to bring them back - no matter how much you want to.

I keep finding myself remembering all the good times we had and laughs we shared. I really miss those sometimes. And I look at ryan and it kind of tears up me inside, all over again, about how he has to go through his life without knowing the side of his dad that we all did.

Anyway, I'ma switch topic here before I work myself into another glum state of mind.

Work is going well..sorta..I kinna botched up a shipment we received last week..but he came in with the stuff while we were busy and had already started unloading so I was trying to check off what he was bringing and what he had already brought in at the same time..last night sucked..I thought I'd never get out of there. 12-10 is such a long ass shift it just drags..makes me wanna cry almost lol..

On the upside I managed to relieve myself of a tantrum throwing 40 y.o - Go Me!! And the restaurant is a bettah place without him. Now all I needa do is kick some little'un butts into gear. I'm so tired of hearing about really, "we do more work than they do...I do more work than they do" - how bout we stop the whining and just get the job done? I mean really!!

Ryan's turning 4 in two weeks and then he goes to school in sept. Man that depresses me. He's getting so big so fast, and I get to miss it all because I'll be working my tush off so he and I can live decently. Well not comfortably but the bills will be paid, food will be provided and he'll have clothes on his back heh. I keep looking at his pictures from when he was smaller and it makes me weepy almost. I miss having my ten lb baby to lug around and cuddle up on. I mean hes still just as affectionate but only on his time. How sweet is that? And I know when school comes and he starts building himself a social circle it'll all change. I guess now I know how my dad feels knowing that his kids don't need him as much as they used to. Bah being a parent sucks sometimes. I don't wan't him to grow up.

He acts alot like Nic too sometimes. Which is nice to see but there are some traits I think he could do without. Hes got a fast temper and is easily frusterated, and angry boy is he angry. I've been trying to help him curb that though, so that hes not so emotional. I'm trying to teach him to think before he acts. And to use his words to express his feelings instead of throwing things and hitting things. I guess that inspite of his intelligence I just have to remind myself that he is only three, but I'd like him to get a control on that before school. He has a bad habit of hitting and all those other nasty things little ones like to do when they're upset. And I don't want him being sent home for it.

Anyway, as you can see its pretty random heh. I've only been awake for an hour and half and I still have a 10 hr day ahead of me. Catch ya'll on the flip side.

Ciao
-J

I dont want to go to work today mom

So week of closing and I'm thoroughly wiped out. Last night was crazy insane. As soon as our extras left it was stupid. Busy busy until 9pm giving me and the students working with me an hour to get everything done and I only wish I could say it was interruption free.

I got home pretty late last night because my cook forgot to close our roof hatch - its a ventalation system we put into use during the summer, we open what would look like an attic door from the ceiling and put a removable screen up. Anyway, its really badly arranged because the ladder leans one way and the crank to close it is on the opposite side - and for all of those who are scared of heights -coughs- reaching across a ladder is not a good thing..Anyway I needed to call the manager in to close it but then our night time cleaner came in and closed it for me..but it was almost 11:30 by the time i got in and then near 12 when I got to bed and I was woken up this morning at 7am.

I had a really good dream last night too. Not the usual kind where theres all these wierd symbolic things like wizards etc..but just a simple really good dream ..involving someone I know..and I really did not want to wake up from it..bah humbug!

Ah well, 2 more days and then I have a day to chill and after that 8 more days of work and then VACATION!!!!! YAY!!

I think thats all my senseless rambling for today.

Ciao
-J

My life is a cartoon

and my dreams are the stuff books are made of..

Well sort of..I watched this cartoon - japanese anime style- with my dad and ryan the other night. And its kinna skeery how the theme or more specifically one character in the cartoon resembles moi.

The cartoon was "Howls Moving Castle" and I of course would have to be the young 18 year old Sophie. Except that I'm not 18. With the acception that I am neither 18 nor all that young. LOL.

Anyway, the character is young female whose accepted the fact that shes not going to find herself happily married and devotes herself to job when she meets howl. Now accept for the fact that I will probably not ever find myself swept off my feet by dashing young wizard of questionable repution .. Thats pretty much me in a nutshell, well accept that her excuse is her age - which I find funny because seriously, 18? bah try being 26! No, instead its my lack of a social life which is at fault here. Somewhere between working as much as I do and having to devote my free time to my son Ryan, I don't have time for romance.

Its just strange finding such...erm..how to put it..familiarity in a cartoon..I don't know its like reading a true life story that finds some form kinship or truth in your own life or something..I forget the phrase that was used to describe it..

Its also confirmed for me the fact that maybe Dad's right and I should write books. Seriously. I think what did it is it bears a striking resemblance to a dream i had no too long ago, i believe i posted it here and it was a little strange.

The reason I say my dad thinks I should write books is because I keep having these really exceptionally strange dreams that would make a great plot for horror novel etc. I had one years back about a little boy in a hospice of some sort who was deathly ill and since he'd been in the hospice all his life he developed an imaginary freind. Unfortunately because of his lack of social interraction and inability to enjoy his youth he became bitter and as he did the imaginary friend developed a life of his own and started feeding off the boys anger and started killing off any other children who came around..thats exhibit A..now tell me does that not have Stephen King written all over it..

The dream I had happened to mention to him was one of my sister Tammy being pregnant but the baby had some form of health problem or something and the community she lived in had this twisted notion of spartanism where any child with defect was killed because they wanted to raise the children to take care of them and obviously a child who has any form of mental disability would not be able to do that..

There are other stranger ones I've had and to some extent I agree. I could write books off these accept my limitted ability to remember anything other than a basic description of these dreams and my inability to write anything resembling a decent subplot would interfere..

And now I have a dream and weeks later watch a cartoon which is almost identical to it, when I've never seen it before..

Strange..And yes for those of you asking.. I probably should up my medication..

-ciao
J